Groucho Marx Quotes

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“Humor is reason gone mad.”

“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.”

“I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“Time wounds all heels.”

“I have had a wonderful time but this wasn't it.”

“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”

“Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.”

“Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while”

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them… well I have others.”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”

“Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”

“If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.”

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.”

“Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

“I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.”

“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.”

“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”

“She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.”

“This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.”

“With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.”

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

“While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

“I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“Whatever it is, I'm against it.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”

“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

“The only real laughter comes from despair.”

“Room service? Send up a larger room."

[]”

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”

“Do you mind if I don't smoke?”

“I’ll put off readingfor six more years until she turns 18.”

“I must admit, I was born at an early age.”

“Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”

“Here's to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!”

“I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed.

Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.”

“A man is only as old as the woman he feels.”

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

“Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"

Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”

“Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.”

“We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.”

“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”

“No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”

“I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

“Was that you or the duck?”