Gracie Allen Quotes

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

As quoted in Gracie : A Love Story (1988) by George Burns, p. 17

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 1 : Government jobs pay big money

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 1 : Government jobs pay big money
Context: Who am I to talk? That’s a fair question, and one which deserves a better answer than I can give you. … Come to think of it, who are you? Whoever you are, I sympathize with you. I sympathize with everybody; that’s what I get for being a candidate myself. Let them call us nonentities. Who cares? A nonenitiy can be just as famous as anybody else if enough people know about him.
But let’s leave personalities out of this and just talk about me.

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody
Context: As a well-known great man would have said if he had thought of it, “Don’t go around offending people just because it can be done sitting down.”

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?
Context: Presidents are made, not born. That’s a good thing to remember. It’s silly to think that Presidents are born, because very few people are 35 years old at birth, and those who are won’t admit it. So if you’re only 16 don’t be discouraged, because it’s only a phase and there’s nothing wrong with you that you won’t outgrow.

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

As quoted in Say Good Night, Gracie! : The Story of Burns & Allen (1986) by Cheryl Blythe and Susan Sackett, p. 48

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform
Context: Social Progress is not one of my goals. This country is not a social climber, and besides, the Treasury knows too many people already, if you know what I mean.
So vote early and often. Don’t wait until Election Day. I may have found other work by then. Do it now!

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform
Context: I’m having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there’s no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you’ll have no use for after you’re elected.

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 4 : How to attract attention and be drafted
Context: You remember me. I’m Gracie Allen. I’m the candidate who forgot to take off her hat before she threw it in the ring.
Furthermore, I’m the only candidate who got the idea of running myself. All the others had to have somebody else think it up for them, or anyway they say the only reason they’re running is because their many friends kept after them and after them until they finally gave in.

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 1 : Government jobs pay big money
Context: As we walk hand in hand through the pathways of knowledge, remember that I am giving you freely and without stint the full accumulation of my two months’ experience as a candidate. I have on file a complete record of everything I’ve said and done. Ever since I threw my hat in the ring I have had myself shadowed, and the results were very entertaining. The things that go on in those back rooms, you wouldn’t believe.
So now we begin our journey together. If you follow these instructions carefully, you will find that every step of your progress, like the path that climbs up and up from the sheltered valley, offers you an ever-wider and more facinating vista, until at last you come out upon the summit of the wrong hill.

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 1 : Government jobs pay big money
Context: Who am I to talk? That’s a fair question, and one which deserves a better answer than I can give you. … Come to think of it, who are you? Whoever you are, I sympathize with you. I sympathize with everybody; that’s what I get for being a candidate myself. Let them call us nonentities. Who cares? A nonenitiy can be just as famous as anybody else if enough people know about him.
But let’s leave personalities out of this and just talk about me.

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 3 : Why a woman president? Well, why?
Context: Now, I don’t pretend to know all the answers. I’m just a plain, ordinary, everyday genius who loves her fellow-man whenever possible. But let me tell you that women are getting very tired of running a poor second to the Forgotten Man, and with all the practice we’ve had around the house the time is ripe for a woman to sweep the country. I’ll make a prediction with my eyes open: that a woman can and will be elected if she is qualified and gets enough votes.

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them
Context: Let’s all pull together and make these United States the grandest place in this whole country. I see a vision. A glorious vision. A united people, marching forward shoulder to shoulder, giving their all for the common good, working while I whistle.

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 3 : Why a woman president? Well, why?
Context: Now, I don’t pretend to know all the answers. I’m just a plain, ordinary, everyday genius who loves her fellow-man whenever possible. But let me tell you that women are getting very tired of running a poor second to the Forgotten Man, and with all the practice we’ve had around the house the time is ripe for a woman to sweep the country. I’ll make a prediction with my eyes open: that a woman can and will be elected if she is qualified and gets enough votes.

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 6 : How not to offend anybody
Context: The masses demand a fighting President, and that means you’ve got to offend somebody, because the way I see it, a strong offense is the best attack.
So what can you offend?
That’s an easy one. Offend the other candidates, because they’ll be too busy talking to hear you, and besides, they might not vote for you anyway.

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform

As quoted in Funny Ladies : The Best Humor from America's Funniest Women (2001) by Bill Adler, p. 51

It's commonly believed that at the end of stage shows Allen would reply to George Burns line "Say goodnight, Gracie", with "Goodnight, Gracie". Recordings from the time do not have her using this reply.
Disputed

Gracie's typical reply in her comedic routines to a slight or insult she has mistaken for a compliment, as quoted in A Pictorial History of Vaudeville (1961) by Bernard Sobel, p. 130; also often quoted in slightly extended form as "Oh, George, I bet you say that to all the girls!"

Last letter to George Burns, as quoted in Two Minutes for God : Quick Fixes for the Spirit (2007) by Peter B. Panagore, p. 73; this was later used in a slogan for the United Church of Christ: "Never place a period where God has placed a comma. God Is Still Speaking."

Accepting a proposal of marriage from George Burns in December 1925, after a long period of reluctance, and dismissal of his overtures, as quoted in Gracie : A Love Story (1988) by George Burns, p. 17

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 2 : Others make good, why not you?

Comedic routine, quoted in American Radio Networks : A History (2009) by Jim Cox, p. 144

Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 7 : Buying a good used platform

Second, the speech goes on to attack the present administration and show how it has ruined the country. Then it goes on to attack the other candidates and show how they’ll keep it ruined, and generally builds up a warm and friendly atmosphere.
Source: How to Become President (1940), Ch. 5 : Issues and how to pick them