Eoin Colfer Quotes

“Oh, I'm crazy all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.”

“People are afraid of you, Arty. Girls are terrified of you. You’re a fifteen-year-old in a bespoke suit, and nobody died.”

“HOLLY: Are you suggesting I occasionally stray from the rule book?
FOALY: No. I'm suggesting you do not own a copy of the rule book, and if you do, you have certainly never opened it.”

“Ah, my princess. Noble steed. How does the morning find you both?”

“So, what did you get for me?"
Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans."
"What?" croaked Artemis.
"And a T-shirt.”

“Artemis Fowl will never be secondary."

"I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?" said Holly.”

“A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.”

“Artemis: I never tell anybody exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.”

“If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.”

“Trust me. I'm a genius.”

“No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.”

“Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.”

“Good. Illegal is always faster.”

“Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient.”

“Hey, look—youris saying something."
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl?”

“Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder”

“You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you.”

“Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.”

“Who are you?" he asked.
I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.”

“I don't like lollipops.”

“Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told.
--Artemis Fowl”

“In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are smarter—they plan ahead. They think about not getting caught.”

“A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.”

“I can't imagine what they're planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it, and it won't be legal.”

“You wouldn't know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Shirt that read 'I'm a clue”

“The problem is that I know the textbook answers to any question you care to ask.”

“No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order à la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors?”

“Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.”

“I'm right there with you, darlin'. Unless you step on a landmine, in which case I'm way back in the Operations Room.”

“Hit that back-stabber where it hurts, right in the ambition.”

“Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said.

"Not me!" said Orion cheerily, "I'm just a Teenager with hormones running wild and may I say, young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction.”

“(about his terrible attempt at making a sandwich) It's more difficult than it looks. (Artemis Fowl)”

“Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!”

“(text message) CMDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVRRN BY GOBLINS. PLCE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR.”

“If it looks like a Dwarf, and it smells like a Dwarf, then it's probably a Dwarf or a latrine wearing dungerees.”

“I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.
Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.”

“I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.”

“What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?”

“(to Foaly) Captain Short's life is in danger, so push the button before I climb that tower and push it with your face!”

“Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over”

“Holly: Stay back human. You don't know what you're dealing with.”

“Knock yourself out… Or rather, don't.”

“Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it."
Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?"
Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have.”

“Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.”

“I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?”

“No, I don't think you understand just how stupid goblins are. Let me give you an example. One of the B'wa Kell generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught caught trying to pass off forged credit slips by signing his own name.”

“Everyone says that I have no sense of humor, then I construct a perfectly sound pun around a well-known psychological condition, and it is ignored.”

“If Koboi defeats and presumably murders us both then you can consider the debt null and void.”

“I feel a little dizzy," said Orion. "But also wonderfully elated. I feel that I am on the verge of finding a rhyme for the word."

"Oxygen deprivation," said Foaly. "Or maybe it's just him.”

“I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?”

“Certainly, Doctor. Let's talk about your chair. Victorian?”

“I'm not threatening you. I'm just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command.”

“Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?”

“Either that boy is the sanest creature on Earth, he thought, or he is so disturbed that our tests cannot even begin to scratch the surface.”

“A cloak of invisibility? This is a highly sensitive piece of field equipment. What does he think? Some warlock pulled it out of his armpit?”

“My bugs don't have bugs.”