Eoin Colfer Quotes

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“Too much damned TV. Thinks he's Sherlock Holmes."
"That's professor Moriarty," corrected Foaly.
"Holmes, Moriarty, they both look the same with the flesh scorched off their skulls.”

“Artemis: I am not buoyed by that.
Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized.
Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone.”

“When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero?”

“Quickly, Holly," said Artemis urgently. "Follow those bubbles."

Holly opened the throttle. "Now there's an order I never thought I'd hear from you.”

“I want you to know, my dear friend, that without you, I would not be the person I am today." He leaned in close and whispered, "I was a broken boy, and you fixed me. Thank you.”

“That's the last order I'll ever give you Captain. Don't you dare ignore it.”

“The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperance, is a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the Russian Mafia and a crack team of plastic surgeons.”

“Remember this? You gave it to me for ensuring your trigger finger got reattached to your hand. You said it would remind me of that spark of decency inside me. I'm trying to do something decent now, Captain.”

“Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.”

“And I will not be beaten by that jackass."

"Jackass?" said Foaly, wounded. "My favorite uncle is a jackass.”

“He threw his head back and sang, "'I am a centaur, yes, a centaur is what I am.' It's not like you to wax, Artemis"

"Foaly is singing," said Holly. "Surely that's illegal?”

“A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.”

“She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.

-Artemis Fowl”

“We're being led by an idiot with a crayon.”

“And it's amazing how much noise people ignoring each other can make.”

“Don’t feel bad; I regularly reduce people to unintelligible stammers.”

“Nobody's death is impending."
…"Well technically everyone's death is impending.”

“Onscreen, Foaly rubbed his eyelids with his index fingers.
"Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Captain Short goes rogue once more. Hands up who's surprised. Anyone?”

“The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling. Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up.”

“Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.”

“Grab some caviar from the kitchen. You wouldn't believe the muck they feed us in Bartleby's for ten thousand a term.”

“Well, I don't like the first bit and I don't know the last bit. So I'm really hoping the middle bit is exceptional.”

“Is that how you're going to take me? Scare me into voluntarily coming aboard, then steal my Ice Cube?"

"It's always cubes with you," noted Foaly, somewhat randomly. "What's wrong with a nice sphere?”

“Who or what inspires you?"
"I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself.”

“I'm LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders.”

“… Hardly. A ragged apron does not a waiter make.”

“There is no such thing as a happy ending. Every culture has a maxim that makes this point, while nowhere in the Universe is there a single gravestone that reads 'He Loved Everything About His Life, Especially the Dying Bit at the End'.”

“Holly frowned at her. "Glad to see you've forgiven yourself so quickly."
"Harboring feelings of guilt can have a negative affect on mental health."
"Child geniuses," growled Holly.
"Genii," said Minerva.”

“Argh? Pathetic and inarticulate. Nice combination. Your mothers must be so proud.”

“(about Dr. Po) Just another quack spouting psychobabble.”

“You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy is so not here. And I mean that literally and spiritually.”

“They have gone. And the tunnel is about to close. So, boys, I am looking for someone to blame.”

“Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this.

At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later?”

“Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it.”

“I hear that you were on a date with Trouble Kelp. Are you two planning on building a bivouac any time soon?”

“Holly is alive,' thought Foaly
'My princess lives,'exulted Orion. 'And we're chasing a dragon”

“Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?
Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now, who could that be?”

“Don't hate me forever, Arty," whispered Holly. "I couldn't bear that.”

“Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks?”

“Hilarious, dude. You should, like, have your own show.”

“is a hundred percent accurate. Reality, however, is not as reliable.”

“Artemis: If I win I'm a prodigy. If I lose then I'm mad. That is the way history is written.”

“Listen to me, convict. I have not traveled all this way to listen to your war stories. So shut your trap before I shut it for you.

Commander Julius Root”

“But even though there were plenty of teeth in the grin, there was no heart.”

“The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet.”

“A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladder.”

“I'm the nut!”

“Mulch's tongue lolled out, resting on the centaur's neck. "Mmm," he mumbled around his tongue. "Horse. Tasty"

"Let's go," said Foaly nervously. "Let's go right now.”

“Waitress: "And to drink?"
Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As your ice is no doubt made from tap water, which rather defeats the purpose of spring water.”