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Eoin Colfer Quotes
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Eoin Colfer is an Irish author of children's books. He worked as a primary school teacher before he became a full-time writer. He is best known for being the author of the Artemis Fowl series. In September 2008, Colfer was commissioned to write the sixth installment of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, entitled And Another Thing ..., which was published in October 2009.

✵ 14. May 1965  •  Other names این کالفر, يون كولفر
Eoin Colfer photo
Eoin Colfer: 185 quotes11 likes

Eoin Colfer Quotes

“It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.
Opal tapped this into her notepad.
Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Time Paradox

“Too much damned TV. Thinks he's Sherlock Holmes."
"That's professor Moriarty," corrected Foaly.
"Holmes, Moriarty, they both look the same with the flesh scorched off their skulls.”

Eoin Colfer Artemis Fowl

Source: Artemis Fowl

“Artemis: I am not buoyed by that.
Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized.
Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Atlantis Complex

“When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero?”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Eternity Code

“Quickly, Holly," said Artemis urgently. "Follow those bubbles."

Holly opened the throttle. "Now there's an order I never thought I'd hear from you.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Atlantis Complex

“I want you to know, my dear friend, that without you, I would not be the person I am today." He leaned in close and whispered, "I was a broken boy, and you fixed me. Thank you.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Last Guardian

“That's the last order I'll ever give you Captain. Don't you dare ignore it.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Opal Deception

“The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperance, is a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the Russian Mafia and a crack team of plastic surgeons.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Eternity Code

“Remember this? You gave it to me for ensuring your trigger finger got reattached to your hand. You said it would remind me of that spark of decency inside me. I'm trying to do something decent now, Captain.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Arctic Incident

“Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Opal Deception

“And I will not be beaten by that jackass."

"Jackass?" said Foaly, wounded. "My favorite uncle is a jackass.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Atlantis Complex

“He threw his head back and sang, "'I am a centaur, yes, a centaur is what I am.' It's not like you to wax, Artemis"

"Foaly is singing," said Holly. "Surely that's illegal?”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Atlantis Complex

“A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.”

Eoin Colfer book Airman

Source: Airman

“She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.

-Artemis Fowl”

Eoin Colfer

“We're being led by an idiot with a crayon.”

Eoin Colfer

Variant: We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.
Source: The Arctic Incident

“And it's amazing how much noise people ignoring each other can make.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: Benny and Babe

“Don’t feel bad; I regularly reduce people to unintelligible stammers.”

Eoin Colfer book Airman

Source: Airman

“Nobody's death is impending."
…"Well technically everyone's death is impending.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Last Guardian

“Onscreen, Foaly rubbed his eyelids with his index fingers.
"Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Captain Short goes rogue once more. Hands up who's surprised. Anyone?”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Last Guardian

“The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling. Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up.”

Eoin Colfer

“Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.”

Eoin Colfer book Airman

Source: Airman

“Grab some caviar from the kitchen. You wouldn't believe the muck they feed us in Bartleby's for ten thousand a term.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Arctic Incident

“Well, I don't like the first bit and I don't know the last bit. So I'm really hoping the middle bit is exceptional.”

Eoin Colfer

“Is that how you're going to take me? Scare me into voluntarily coming aboard, then steal my Ice Cube?"

"It's always cubes with you," noted Foaly, somewhat randomly. "What's wrong with a nice sphere?”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Atlantis Complex

“Who or what inspires you?"
"I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself.”

Eoin Colfer book The Artemis Fowl Files

Source: The Artemis Fowl Files

“I'm LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Arctic Incident

“… Hardly. A ragged apron does not a waiter make.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: Artemis Fowl Boxed Set, Bks 1-5

“There is no such thing as a happy ending. Every culture has a maxim that makes this point, while nowhere in the Universe is there a single gravestone that reads 'He Loved Everything About His Life, Especially the Dying Bit at the End'.”

Eoin Colfer book And Another Thing...

Source: And Another Thing...

“Holly frowned at her. "Glad to see you've forgiven yourself so quickly."
"Harboring feelings of guilt can have a negative affect on mental health."
"Child geniuses," growled Holly.
"Genii," said Minerva.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Lost Colony

“(about Dr. Po) Just another quack spouting psychobabble.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Arctic Incident

“You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy is so not here. And I mean that literally and spiritually.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Eternity Code

“They have gone. And the tunnel is about to close. So, boys, I am looking for someone to blame.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Time Paradox

“Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this.

At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later?”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Time Paradox

“Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Arctic Incident

“I hear that you were on a date with Trouble Kelp. Are you two planning on building a bivouac any time soon?”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Atlantis Complex

“Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?
Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now, who could that be?”

Eoin Colfer

Source: Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox (2008)

“Don't hate me forever, Arty," whispered Holly. "I couldn't bear that.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Last Guardian

“Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks?”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Lost Colony

“Hilarious, dude. You should, like, have your own show.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Opal Deception

“Artemis: If I win I'm a prodigy. If I lose then I'm mad. That is the way history is written.”

Eoin Colfer Artemis Fowl

Variant: If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written.
Source: Artemis Fowl (2001)

“Listen to me, convict. I have not traveled all this way to listen to your war stories. So shut your trap before I shut it for you.

Commander Julius Root”

Eoin Colfer

“The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Eternity Code

“A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladder.”

Eoin Colfer book Airman

Source: Airman

“I'm the nut!”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Atlantis Complex

“Mulch's tongue lolled out, resting on the centaur's neck. "Mmm," he mumbled around his tongue. "Horse. Tasty"

"Let's go," said Foaly nervously. "Let's go right now.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Atlantis Complex

“Waitress: "And to drink?"
Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As your ice is no doubt made from tap water, which rather defeats the purpose of spring water.”

Eoin Colfer

Source: The Eternity Code