Chris Rock Quotes

“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”

“Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.”

“If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.”

“I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.”

“You can only offend me if you mean something to me.”

“When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.”

“You can't beat white people, you can only knock them out.”

“The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl."”

“See… Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about HER! It's all about her!”

“Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks”

“If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.”

“It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.”

“Men are as faithful as their options.”

“You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense”

“Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.”

“Women need food, water, and compliments
That's right.
And an occasional pair of shoes.”

“Men lie the most,

women tell the biggest lies.”

“Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.”

“You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”

“You mean to tell me that Jamaicans invented sugar, reggae and the best drug on Earth and the white man makes all the money!?”

“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C. B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.”

“I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.”

“Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I'm at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"”

“The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.”

“And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"”

“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”

“Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple – Gwyneth Paltrow.”

“[on John McCain being too old] When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!”

“Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.”

“Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"”

“Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!”

“You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.”

“When a woman get pregnant, it's an issue between her and her girlfriends. When a woman get pregnant, her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal, and they vote on the child like it was Survivor. Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Child, you should have that baby, that man got some good hair, it's wavy, it's wavy." Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Girl, why are we even talking about this? Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? Get rid of that baby." And that's how life is decided in America.”

“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"”

“You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club and the sun is out, you got some problems!”

“They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.”

“Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.”

“[on John McCain] I don't need a president with a bucket list!”

“If you said more words to him than "mommy'll be back", he might know something!”

“George Bush hates midgets.”

“Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!”

“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.”

“So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America … but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's trying keep the Feds off her back.”

“Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check … is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"”

“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.”

“What is on Kobe's mind? Going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnnie Cochran? Well then they say, "well if you hire Johnnie Cochran, you're going to look guilty." Yeah, but you going home! You want to look innocent in jail? I'd rather look guilty at the mall.”

“If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"”

“I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way the Live Aid ended world poverty.”

“Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.”

“If the kid call his grandmama "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he going to jail!”

“Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.”

“You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.”

“You mean to tell me that Hawaiians came up with pineapples, resorts, hula hoops, Magnum P. I. and the best damn punch in the world and they don't get no money from it!?”

“Everybody want to know what the kids was listening to, what kind of music they was listening to, or what kind of movies they was watching. Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to CRAZY?”

“On Desperate Housewives: I think they should change the name of that show from Desperate Housewives…to Ungrateful Bitches! You all are hoes bitch!”

“Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to crazy?”

“Nobody will play with us, we have no friends, we're the Trenchcoat Mafia.”