Billy Connolly Quotes

“Don't vote, it just encourages them.”

“I came here on Concorde today… and I arrived before I fucking left!”

“Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."”

“That man (Ronald Reagan, who was President of the USA at the time), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!”

“My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What?! You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."”

“Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life.”

“(To audience members who were arriving late) You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.”

“I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”

“Politically correct is the language of cowardice.”

“I leave you with a complaint. Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… well, it's because the national anthem is boring.”

“Recently, I turned 60… and even more recently, I turned 62. That was a bastard, I don't even remember the 61.”

“I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.”

“Poos himself on stage, classic Billy”

“My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.”

“You've made a happy man very old.”

“Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.”

“The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people"”

“There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!”

“Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.”

“Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house…and take that fucking bulldozer with you.”