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Ben Croshaw Quotes

Benjamin Richard Croshaw , better known as Yahtzee, is a British comedic writer, video game journalist, humorist, author, and video game developer. He is best known for his acerbic video game review series, Zero Punctuation, for The Escapist. Before this, Croshaw gained attention in the Adventure Game Studio community for his video game production.

Croshaw also writes a weekly supplementary column for The Escapist, Extra Punctuation, as well as the video series Judging by the Cover. In addition, he worked on two web series for The Escapist prior to them being discontinued: Jim & Yahtzee's Rhymedown Spectacular and Uncivil War.Croshaw has published five novels through Dark Horse Comics: Mogworld, published in August 2010, Jam, , Will Save the Galaxy for Food , Differently Morphous and Will Destroy the Galaxy for Cash

Outside of writing, Croshaw was one of the four founders of the Mana Bar, an Australian cocktail bar and video gaming lounge which opened in 2010. The Mana Bar closed its doors on 24 May 2015.



Wikipedia  

✵ 24. May 1983
Ben Croshaw photo
Ben Croshaw: 116   quotes 0   likes

Famous Ben Croshaw Quotes

“Last night at the bar someone asked me to say something 'hot and sexy'. All I could think of on the fly was 'Hayden Christensen.”

Ben Croshaw

7 September 2010
Twitter

“I had written a beautiful piece for today. It was a rant about how much I despise Halloween. It was witty, well-written and a shining example of a writer at the top of his form. Then I tried to save it, and my computer crashed. So I guess you won't get to read it. Out of all the people in the world, I am the only one who had the opportunity to read my brilliant Halloween article, and now the text is already fading from my cruel, cruel short-term memory, the paragraphs lost in a whirling sea of data, never to be seen again.”

Ben Croshaw

31 October 2002
Fully Ramblomatic

“My main inspiration is sardonic British TV critics like Charlie Brooker, whose excellent show Screenwipe is fully on Youtube, and I recommend everyone watch it. He used to write for a PC magazine I read fanatically as a child. My own style is a mixture of him, possibly Douglas Adams, and internet writers like Seanbaby, Old Man Murray, or Something Awful. I’m such a rip-off.”

Ben Croshaw

http://www.geek.com/interview-zero-punctuations-yahtzee/
Other Articles

“…at the end of the day, nothing makes me feel more positive than something I can get really pissed off about.”

Ben Croshaw

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/columns/extra-punctuation/9768-What-Not-to-Hate-About-E3.2
Other Articles

“Apparently this is true, according to one The_Mad_Revisionist, who is incidentally the aforementioned one man who believes fervently that (a) the moon does not exist, and (b) there's a huge worldwide conspiracy covering this up. Amazing how times change; as little as a hundred years ago we used to keep loonies like this in big sanitariums where they get poked with sticks and hosed down with cold water every night. Nowadays, we just give them websites. Heh. I just realised you could make a half-decent Matrix parody out of this guy. There Is No Moon.”

Ben Croshaw

Meet the crazy moon man http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/essays/moon.htm
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

“There's something oddly satisfying about coughing up a particularly big mouthful of phlegm. Could almost let you skip breakfast.”

Ben Croshaw

1 April 2010
Twitter

Ben Croshaw: Trending quotes

“Games with ragdoll death animations just make it look even more ridiculous. One moment an enemy is strafing and firing at full speed, the next his entire body just goes limp like Mr. Scotty teleported his skeleton out of his body or something.”

Ben Croshaw

19 July 2007
Fully Ramblomatic

Death , Game , Animals , Speed

“So, Brussels have come up with a little thing called a European Constitution, which will unite all of the European Union into a single superstate, governed by a single government. There may be a problem with everyone speaking different languages and hating each other, but seemingly insurmountable problems have been solved in the past. Like Mount Everest, or making a film based on the Lord of the Rings.”

Ben Croshaw

14 May 2003
Fully Ramblomatic

Hate , Problem , Past

“You know what's so great about junk food? Fat people who eat too much die young from cholesterol poisoning! It's a problem that solves itself!”

Ben Croshaw

My Tribute to the U.S.
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

People , Food , Problem

Ben Croshaw Quotes

“"Those shells don't look very comfortable, miss." - Edited from the original script of the Little Mermaid (Chapter Eleven)”

Ben Croshaw

Fullyramblomatic Novels, Articulate Jim: A Search For Something

“Ah, spam. Where would we be without spam? I'll tell you where. We'll be living in a lush, verdant paradise, unspoilt by rejected technology, where men and women of all creeds and races can join hands and sing for the sheer joy of being alive.”

Ben Croshaw

The Spam Man Cometh
Fully Ramblomatic, Features

Women , Men , Singing , Joy

“But now I play Silent Hill too much, because it is the most awesome series in the world that proves if proof be needed that the Japanese are just so much better at this whole 'horror' thing.”

Ben Croshaw

Silent Hill Showdown
Fully Ramblomatic, Features

World

“Religion should be something you keep within the confines of your own head, and we should all recognize how pointless it is to try and make other people see the fairies that live in your brain.”

Ben Croshaw

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/columns/extra-punctuation/7473-Extra-Punctuation-Videogames-as-Art.2
Other Articles

People , Religion

“The only thing worse than being single on Valentine's day is being single on Valentine's day while living with a couple.”

Ben Croshaw

14 February 2010
Twitter

“I'm not a great judge of my own work, me. I'm constantly referring to the ZP Wikiquote page to find out for myself what the funniest line that week was.”

Ben Croshaw

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3297636&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=53#post378442792
Other Articles

“Most sensitive part of the male human physique, and he places it in almost the exact geological centre of the body, right between the legs, dangling down in it's own special bag. He might as well have painted them fluorescent orange and made the hair above it grow into the words 'your foot goes here.”

Ben Croshaw

Where God Went Wrong
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

God , Parting , Painting

“It was as we were sailing out onto the wide chinchilla sea that I noticed how every chinchilla looked exactly like Marlboro, the chinchilla I had owned as a ten-year-old and which I had put inside a popcorn machine to see what would happen. Then the boat ran aground on the biggest chinchilla ever.”

Ben Croshaw

Source: Fullyramblomatic Novels, Fog Juice, Chapter Two

Sea

“Don't you think it's weird how so many awards these days look like rough crystal formations freshly carved from the rock? Oh I guess you wouldn't know because YOU DON'T WIN AWARDS”

Ben Croshaw

25 April 2009
Fully Ramblomatic

Thinking

“Michael Atkinson vows to continue to 'fight' violent media. Which seems a bit like trying to turn the tide back with a water pistol.”

Ben Croshaw

20 January 2010
Twitter

Water , Fight

“The 'wemon' is a shy creature and bathrooms offer it comfort by reminding it of its native Sweden! Try to lure it out with a few styrofoam packing peanuts and scratch it gently behind the ears.”

Ben Croshaw

5 October 2005
Fully Ramblomatic

“Today marks the completion of my twenty-third year on this foetid planet. Who would have thought I'd make it this long without dying of mercury poisoning or swallowing my own tongue or something like that.”

Ben Croshaw

24 May 2006
Fully Ramblomatic

“All I can say is this: either every single member of that army had been promised a blow job of the Gods as soon as they got their queen back, or the Greeks invented brainwashing. (On the Greeks and the Trojan War, 31 May 2004)”

Ben Croshaw

Fully Ramblomatic

God , War

“Humanity will be forever at war as long as there is no common enemy. World peace demands a new Hitler.”

Ben Croshaw

16 February 2010
Twitter

War , World , Peace

“Developers usually know their game's flaws better than anyone. Deadlines and publisher meddling are why they don't get fixed.”

Ben Croshaw

4 February 2010
Twitter

Game

“So I'm eating Subway this evening when a beetle flies down and burrows into my sandwich. Never a bad time to start losing weight, is there.”

Ben Croshaw

6 October 2010
Twitter

Time

“I feel bad when I'm the only person on the bus. It's like I'm the only person who showed up to the driver's birthday party.”

Ben Croshaw

28 June 2010
Twitter

Feeling , Birthday , Personality

“Guess you'd be better off going to the Escapist for regular ZP updates, hm? And why not click on some ads while you're there.”

Ben Croshaw

21 August 2008
Fully Ramblomatic

“Greek mythology tells us that the Gods invented woman as a punishment after man got a hold of some stolen goods. Obviously, this was just the mythological explanation given by the primitive early men to explain the real origin of women, which was this: THEY CAME DOWN IN SPACESHIPS. Yes, all women are space aliens who have come from a far-off galaxy to enslave mankind.”

Ben Croshaw

Ask Yahtzee
Fully Ramblomatic, Features

Women , Men , God

“…you could pick any two writers of equal skill, have them read each other's work, and they would both instantly proclaim each other the champion. Unless one of them happens to be Stephen King, because he's a jerk.”

Ben Croshaw

God Ran Out of Faces
Fully Ramblomatic, Reviews

God , Jerk , Reading

“I'd just like to point out that Billy Joel looks like the result of a depraved breeding experiment between Ringo Starr and the tall bloke from Everybody Loves Raymond.”

Ben Croshaw

7 July 2004
Fully Ramblomatic

Love

“My secret? Hm. Well, I think the secret is this. Don't come up with a really ambitious twelve-CD monster for your first project, because it'll be doomed very quickly. For your very first release, make something small. Put as much effort into it as you can muster, but don't feel pressured. Then, for every subsequent release, push yourself just a little bit harder to make a better product. By the time you've churned out your sixth or seventh, you'll have a pretty solid reputation.”

Ben Croshaw

http://www.adventure-treff.de/artikel/interviews.php?id=30&lang=eng
Other Articles

Secret , Feeling , Thinking , Effort

“The zip on my wallet broke, sealing the money inside. How am I supposed to buy a new wallet?”

Ben Croshaw

29 January 2010
Twitter

Money

“At this time I was hesitant to venture into the greenery, because I wasn't keen on the possibility of having spiders the size of basketballs drop onto my face from overhead branches and refuse to let go. (…) Hunger pains were moving to the 'excruciating' stage by mid-morning. After a last-ditch attempt to extract nutrients from filling my mouth with sand, I decided that, if a big spider the size of a basketball dropped onto my face and tried to eat it, I would eat it back and we could turn the whole thing into an exciting competition.”

Ben Croshaw

Source: Fullyramblomatic Novels, Fog Juice, Chapter Two

Hunger , Pain , Time

“The thing is, if you complain to me about it, you are basically complaining to the pig because your sausages were undercooked. I know my name is on the front of the cover in big fat serifed letters, but I've got nothing to do with distribution and sales or anything to do with Amazon. If you are dissatisfied with their service, then complain to them. Repeatedly. With sticks.”

Ben Croshaw

16 September 2010 in regards to Mogworld issues on Amazon.com
Fully Ramblomatic

“I believe in being cruel to be kind. I love gaming, I have done all my life. I want to see it lifted in the eyes of the general public above how they view it now. Pottering endlessly about with the same dreary plots and game mechanics isn't helping any of us evolve.”

Ben Croshaw

http://www.destructoid.com/destructoid-interview-ben-yahtzee-croshaw-69631.phtml
Other Articles

Love , Life , Game , Help

“But the cruellest thing you can do to an artist is tell them their work is flawless when it isn't.”

Ben Croshaw

23 March 2008
Fully Ramblomatic

“Also, you can't prove that there isn't a ghost of Bagpuss hovering right behind your head as you read this. He's right there, man! No, he disappeared right after you turned your head. I swear he's there. Look, he's back again now!”

Ben Croshaw

Meet the Crazy Moon Man
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Reading

“I used to be one of the guys, you know. I used to be another faceless contributor in a wall of opinion. I miss those days.”

Ben Croshaw

1 August 2008
Fully Ramblomatic

Guy

“The curtains were drawn, and the only source of light - indeed, the object to which my attention was suddenly exclusively drawn - was a lit candle on the kitchen table, that had probably originally been shaped like Snoopy but was now a mass of melted rivulets, as if Snoopy had fallen victim to some kind of flesh-eating virus.”

Ben Croshaw

Source: Fullyramblomatic Novels, Fog Juice, Chapter One

Light

“Yes, I have been harvested by mainstream media for whatever time remains for television to still be called 'mainstream' before the internet destroys it once and for all.”

Ben Croshaw

14 February 2008
Fully Ramblomatic

Time

“Ctrl+Alt+Del is the Rubbish King, sitting proudly on a throne of rotting meat.”

Ben Croshaw

http://au.gamespot.com/pages/news/show_blog_entry.php?topic_id=26300119
Other Articles

“I seem to have gathered a reputation for being a jerk in real life, because frankly fans make me uncomfortable. Complete strangers come up and talk to me like they've known me their whole lives, and for that reason I can seem a bit stand-offish… No, the whole "fan" thing confuses me.”

Ben Croshaw

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/interviews/6457-An-Exclusive-Interview-With-Yahtzee.3
Other Articles

Life , Jerk

“There's nothing I enjoy more than sitting down with a big piece of marmite on toast and reading through the archives of a good webcomic. The only problem is that the good webcomics are all hidden behind pile upon pile of testicle sweat masquerading as entertainment.”

Ben Croshaw

The Only Good Comics on the Internet
Fully Ramblomatic, Features

Problem , Reading

“We've learned that you should never trust English professors who stick computer chips in their arms, breakfast cereal mascots, Stephen King, the Borg collective, vegetarians, Christians, Microsoft Word helpers and people who put five exclamation marks on the ends of their statements.”

Ben Croshaw

I'm Off
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

People , Learning

“People followed Jesus, I think because they wanted to have sex with him. Ho yes, they so wanted some of that holy jiggy-jiggy! (cough) sorry. (Why it Would Kick Arse to be Jesus)”

Ben Croshaw

Source: Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

People , Sex , Thinking

“What was your favourite single player Quake level? One of the forty identical greenish-brown castles or one of the forty identical brownish-green castles?”

Ben Croshaw

2 December 2004
Fully Ramblomatic

“Valentines card idea: "You are my iron lung. Let me come inside you and breathe heavily."”

Ben Croshaw

10 October 2010
Twitter

Idea

“Winning the lottery is like slipping your hand into the bra of the most beautiful woman in the world, then getting it stuck and having to saw it off at the wrist.”

Ben Croshaw

Source: Fullyramblomatic Novels, Articulate Jim: A Search For Something, Chapter Eight

World , Beauty

“Christians are a funny lot, aren't they? It doesn't seem to matter what their God does, they'll just keep on loving him regardless.”

Ben Croshaw

8 November 2003
Fully Ramblomatic

Love , God

“[begin list of sophomoric puns] I bet he'd find a place up the chimney of any woman. He's certainly good at filling their stockings. Trouble is, he wouldn't be much good as a lover as he can only come once a year. [end list of sophomoric puns] (Why Chicks Dig Father Christmas)”

Ben Croshaw

Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Lovers , Christmas

“Girls: Please do not offer yourself to Yahtzee. He found that this got old very fast.”

Ben Croshaw

Contact page http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/contact.htm
Fully Ramblomatic

Girl

“No book critic has ever tried to assess the Old Testament. Maybe they should. I did once. It's a crap story and it's very badly written.”

Ben Croshaw

Where God Went Wrong
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

God , Books

“I’d like the power to make things die with the power of my mind. Not because I have any specific use in mind for it; I just think it’d be useful to have for difficult social situations. Like, if you’re trying to sleep on a plane and a bloke three seats down is laughing really loudly at a film. Or if someone’s trying to make me say something nice about their hideous baby, it would be a good way to change the subject. But then again, that’s really just replacing one awkward social situation with another.”

Ben Croshaw

http://www.darkhorse.com/Blog/1125/interview-yahtzee-croshaw-about-jam
Other Articles

Way , Thinking , Sleep , Change

“If you honestly need the calendar to instruct you to show affection to your partner then what kind of loveless nightmare are you trapped in”

Ben Croshaw

14 February 2011
Twitter

“The presence of The Sean has a tendency to taint a film, I find, because he is never his character; he's always just The Sean.”

Ben Croshaw

The Leauge of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Fully Ramblomatic, Reviews

“The question that no-one ever asks in the Pokemon world is why that long-dead illustrious and ethical human being, having created the technology to store big things in very small things, decided to use this gimmick the way he did - storing potentially deadly ferocious animals with magic powers in a little thingy that you can hang off your belt. Because he wanted the power, that's why. He wanted to know the ecstasy of holding five deadly creatures round his waist. He probably got off on that sort of thing, the sick weirdo.”

Ben Croshaw

Why it would kick arse to be a Pokemon trainer http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/essays/pokemon.htm
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

World , Way , Question , Animals

“You couldn't make this any smaller without needing a sewing needle and magnifying glass to work it. I'm tempted to see if I can swallow it, and belch the White Album all the way home.”

Ben Croshaw

On his iPod Shuffle, 5 June 2007
Fully Ramblomatic

Way , Home

“Consider how The Dark Knight got away with a rating of PG-13 in the US by skilfully not showing any blood. Does that make it any more suitable for children? Or will there be a generation of youngsters haunted by visions of white-faced sadists brandishing pencils?”

Ben Croshaw

http://web.archive.org/web/20081015182445/http://www.news.com.au/technology/story/0,25642,24493980-5014239,00.html
Other Articles

Children

“You're never alone when you're totally self-absorbed.”

Ben Croshaw

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/interviews/6457-An-Exclusive-Interview-With-Yahtzee
Other Articles

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