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Ben Croshaw Quotes
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Benjamin Richard Croshaw , better known as Yahtzee, is a British comedic writer, video game journalist, humorist, author, and video game developer. He is best known for his acerbic video game review series, Zero Punctuation, for The Escapist. Before this, Croshaw gained attention in the Adventure Game Studio community for his video game production.

Croshaw also writes a weekly supplementary column for The Escapist, Extra Punctuation, as well as the video series Judging by the Cover. In addition, he worked on two web series for The Escapist prior to them being discontinued: Jim & Yahtzee's Rhymedown Spectacular and Uncivil War.Croshaw has published five novels through Dark Horse Comics: Mogworld, published in August 2010, Jam, , Will Save the Galaxy for Food , Differently Morphous and Will Destroy the Galaxy for Cash

Outside of writing, Croshaw was one of the four founders of the Mana Bar, an Australian cocktail bar and video gaming lounge which opened in 2010. The Mana Bar closed its doors on 24 May 2015.



Wikipedia  

✵ 24. May 1983
Ben Croshaw photo
Ben Croshaw: 116   quotes 0   likes

Ben Croshaw Quotes

“"Hey, mister professional game critic, have you ever heard of this obscure game called 'Deus Ex'?" This is why I hate reading my email.”

Ben Croshaw

12 September 2010
Twitter

Hate , Game , Reading

“Oh, and for the benefit of those people who think I haven't been English enough in my recent articles: Bum bollocks tosser cor blimey guvnor eccles cakes apples and pears god save the queen fish and chips I hate yanks etc.”

Ben Croshaw

More from the Poetry Corner http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/essays/mcavity.htm
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

God , Hate , People , Thinking

“Rest assured, Mogworld's not being entirely released online. Just the first part. I would still like your money. That would be lovely.”

Ben Croshaw

16 December 2010
Twitter

Love , Money , Parting

“I once saw some magician bloke turn a carton of orange juice into orange juice, beer, milk, coke and ginger ale. That makes him five times better than Jesus or something.”

Ben Croshaw

Why it Would Kick Arse to be Jesus
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Beer , Time

“So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it.”

Ben Croshaw

3 July 2003
Fully Ramblomatic

World

“Keep in mind that this is only my opinion, but also keep in mind that I'm always right. (The Only Good Comics on the Internet)”

Ben Croshaw

Fully Ramblomatic, Features

“Since I long ago decided that I hated kids and never wanted to have them, my reproductive instinct has transferred to my creativity, I've always wanted to create works that will ensure I'm remembered after I die. I don't think I've done that yet, though.”

Ben Croshaw

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/issues/issue_150/4915-Where-Things-are-Hollow
Other Articles

Hate , Thinking

“I am a consumer, part of the system of capitalism. To the corporations that control our lives, I am nothing but a huge mouth wearing designer jeans, just one of billions, to be cajoled or threatened with advertising into giving my money to people who already have too much. Although I vocally consider this a despicable state of affairs, I buy their loveless food and wear their manufactured garments. I am simultaneously antagonist and component.”

Ben Croshaw

7 October 2003
Fully Ramblomatic

Money , People , Food , Parting

“Yahtzee was born in Warwickshire, England, on the day of the great storm of 1983. Twenty years later, when England had become too small to accommodate the five hundred kilometre-wide tumour growing out of the back of his neck, he moved to Brisbane, Australia, where a chance encounter with an enraged surfer caused the tumour to become detached. It has now gone on to star in a number of Japanese fetish videos, while Yahtzee occupies a treehouse on the edge of the city, struggling to learn how to live with corks around his hat. The enraged surfer tries to keep in touch, but Yahtzee never answers his phone.”

Ben Croshaw

About page http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/about.htm
Fully Ramblomatic

Star , Learning , Chance

“Ah, those were the days. David Bowie, Status Quo, The Beatles … no end of artists I could say I enjoyed in order to sound clever and pretentious.”

Ben Croshaw

The Dark Side of Beatles Songs
Fully Ramblomatic, Reviews

“I have a very patchy memory of my childhood. It's one of the things about myself I'm most proud of. (More From the Poetry Corner)”

Ben Croshaw

Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Memory , Childhood

“Sex is squalid, uncomfortable, and messy. (18 April 2005)”

Ben Croshaw

Fully Ramblomatic

Sex

“But as any sixteen-year-old sweatily bringing a Playboy up to the counter of a newsagent's expecting everyone in the room to suddenly point and start screaming like the guy from Invasion of the Body Snatchers will tell you, titties become considerably more satisfying when you have to work for them.”

Ben Croshaw

26 December 2010
Twitter

Guy

“Evoking fear is, in itself, an art form – and nothing in the entire history of storytelling has explored it better than video games.”

Ben Croshaw

http://web.archive.org/web/20081015182445/http://www.news.com.au/technology/story/0,25642,24493980-5014239,00.html
Other Articles

Fear , Art , History , Game

“You know how it is, you go away for a week and all the work piles up like a big heap of mail holding your front door closed.”

Ben Croshaw

8 November 2009
Fully Ramblomatic

“It all smacks of trying to have your cake and eat it, although I’ve never understood that phrase. I don’t know what else you could do with a cake. Hold doors open, maybe.”

Ben Croshaw

6 March 2006
Fully Ramblomatic

“I'm going on a picnic," went Penfold. "And I'm taking anthrax, beer, coffee, doughnuts, estrogen, flamingoes, glue, horses, ink, jelly, Knackwurst, lemonade, murder and Nurofen.”

Ben Croshaw

Source: Fullyramblomatic Novels, Fog Juice, Chapter Fifteen

Coffee , Beer , Horse

“And then we come to the physics engine. Oh, the physics engine, for which so much praise has been sung. What they say is all true. It is fantastic the way you can pick up boxes, the way they fall, the way they tip over, the way they smash into bits when you hit them.”

Ben Croshaw

On Half-Life 2, 26 November 2004
Fully Ramblomatic

Life , Way , Box

“Starring Laurence Fishburne, Hugo Weaving, The Slightly Mannish Woman and A Big Keanu-Reeves Shaped Piece Of Wood! (On the Matrix Reloaded, 24 June 2003)”

Ben Croshaw

Fully Ramblomatic

Star

“Idea for movie: alcohol-based LXG-style crossover in which buddy heroes Jack Daniels and Jim Beam sail around the world with Captain Morgan. Jack's girlfriend is called Midori and she likes having sex on the beach. Their smartmouth talking pet is the Famous Grouse.”

Ben Croshaw

2 June 2011
Twitter

Alcohol , World , Sex , Idea

“I heard a story that Guinness once decided to stop advertising. Everybody knew what Guinness was. Everyone who liked and regularly drunk Guinness wouldn't find out anything new about Guinness from TV spots and they were guaranteed sales as long as St. Patrick's Day existed. But you know what happened? Their sales plummeted. Very, very quickly. So next time you complain about adverts on TV or in the cinema or even on my online videos, remember that it wouldn't be necessary if you weren't all such flighty cunts.”

Ben Croshaw

4 August 2010
Fully Ramblomatic

Time

“Did we learn nothing from Terminator 3? Apart from the fact that Arnold Schwarzeneggar can act in the same way that octopi can figure skate.”

Ben Croshaw

27 March 2005
Fully Ramblomatic

Way , Learning

“Because as any nerd will tell you, our greatest weapon in the ongoing battle against those buff sporty types and the suave prettyboys are the Nerds With Girlfriends. Nothing infuriates them more.”

Ben Croshaw

Person Without Girlfriend
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Personality

“Asking after my wellbeing is like asking after the wellbeing of someone in Sweden because a fire broke out in Portugal. Yes alright, Americans, go and look up where those countries are, I'll wait. (In reference to the fires in Victoria, Australia, 12 February 2009)”

Ben Croshaw

Fully Ramblomatic

Waiting , Country

“So if you're still playing the game or care in the slightest about having the plot spoiled, try not to accidentally trip, fall forward and highlight all of the following text.”

Ben Croshaw

3 June 2009
Fully Ramblomatic

Game

“On the bright side, however, it means I get to stay at home and stare at a computer screen all day as opposed to go to work and stare at a computer screen all day.”

Ben Croshaw

On being sick, 15 May 2003
Fully Ramblomatic

Home

“Maybe it was the quest that mattered most, not the outcome. (The Last Bit)”

Ben Croshaw

Fullyramblomatic Novels, Articulate Jim: A Search For Something

“I'm not misogynist. I resent that. I hate women, yes, but only because I hate everyone.”

Ben Croshaw

25 June 2010
Twitter

Women , Hate

“I don't post on forums or comments for the same reason I don't attempt to french kiss pneumatic drills.”

Ben Croshaw

24 January 2010
Twitter

Kiss

“[PDP100 Duck Popcorn Maker] Actually I don't really want this, I just wanted to show you it, as this is the most disgusting popcorn maker I have ever seen. Actually this might be good for my Victorian Sanitarium playset. He could be the weak-stomached young doctor who keeps throwing up when they bring in Downs Syndrome Pooh for more experimental brain surgery.”

Ben Croshaw

Yahtzee's Christmas Wishlist http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/essays/wishlist.htm
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

“…so come along and watch me fearfully from fifty yards away like you usually do.”

Ben Croshaw

6 September 2009
Fully Ramblomatic

“I've made a lot of box art do a lot of horrible things over the years in the name of critique. SOPA could stop my dirty foreigner ways.”

Ben Croshaw

18 January 2012
Twitter

Art , Way , Box

“Nowadays, everyone seems to be emotionally dead, like zombies in pinstripe suits. Trudging to work each day to make a living, queueing up at McDonalds for their daily fuel intake, coming home to vegetate in front of the TV for hours on end.”

Ben Croshaw

22 October 2004
Fully Ramblomatic

Home , Dead

“Bush wouldn't be so bad if it was just him jumping up and down on the corpse of international diplomacy, but we've got Blair as well, kneeling behind him and rhythmically planting a kiss on each buttock with each of the American President's gleeful bounds.”

Ben Croshaw

17 July 2003
Fully Ramblomatic

Kiss

“A comment on Mogworld's Amazon page has already declared it to be terrible. Proof that future time travellers are among us?”

Ben Croshaw

12 July 2010
Twitter

Travel , Time , Future

“When she meets a powerful man she's more likely to try and blow him away than blow him off. Stop that erection right now, you sick, sick boy. Stop it! Concentrate, that's how!”

Ben Croshaw

Why it would kick arse to be Lara Croft http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/essays/lara.htm
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Boy

“Ha, ha, ha! Never let it be said Americans are unconcerned about foreign countries. You're so nice to us you very kindly elected a complete vegetable as your president, so we can all point and laugh!”

Ben Croshaw

My Tribute to the U.S.
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Country

“[Downs Syndrome Winnie the Pooh] The minute I saw this in a catalogue I just fell about. It's so brave of Disney to introduce stuffed toys that represent serious illnesses in order to educate the little kiddies. Me, I just want this so I can make my very own 'Victorian Sanitarium' playset. Downs Syndrome Pooh will be kept perpetually in a bleak little cardboard cell, bullied by Doctor Action Man and Nurse Princess Leia, occasionally brought out to be brutally hosed down with cold water every week. I'm thinking of sending it to Hasbro.”

Ben Croshaw

Yahtzee's Christmas Wishlist http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/essays/wishlist.htm
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Education , Thinking , Water , Princess

“Did you see that recent flick, Hollow Man? Good effects but the dialogue was crap. Kevin Bacon is a hot shot scientist who, together with his hot shot scientist mates, turns himself invisible, but then finds that he can't turn himself back. So he goes insane and decides to kill all his mates, blow up the lab and ride off into the sunset on a very confused horse.”

Ben Croshaw

Why it would kick arse to be invisible http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/essays/invis.htm
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Horse

“So I finally sold out and bought an Ipod the other day. I haven't sold out to the point that I'd spell it with a lower case I and a capital P like the makers insist upon, though.”

Ben Croshaw

5 June 2007
Fully Ramblomatic

“Games should be remembered, not remastered.”

Ben Croshaw

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/columns/extra-punctuation/9053-Extra-Punctuation-Keeping-Old-Games-Intact.2
Other Articles

Game

“I love having my conscious brain deactivated by a mindless repetitive task and the rest of it drifting off into the wonderful lands of make believe.”

Ben Croshaw

3 April 2007
Fully Ramblomatic

Love

“The national dress of Great Britain is, from the ground up, a pair of Roman sandals, a kilt, a gunbelt, a t-shirt bearing the likeness of Mr. T, a garland of flowers and a horned Viking helmet.”

Ben Croshaw

How to be British
Fully Ramblomatic, Features

Flowers

“The cake is vanilla; I asked for chocolate; The tears They will not stop. (Prince of Persia: Emo Warrior)”

Ben Croshaw

Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Tear

“I rolled my eyes at Rose, but she returned the look with a scowl which suggested that, if we ever got out of this alive, she would have some issues to address with myself and my polaroid camera.”

Ben Croshaw

Source: Fullyramblomatic Novels, Articulate Jim: A Search For Something, Chapter Nine

“being invisible means you can immerse yourself in a crowd and start clasping boobs and buttocks, then leap aside and laugh as some poor chap gets a clip round the ear. Laugh quietly obviously. And changing rooms! You can sneak into changing rooms and sit right there in the middle of the place while pretty girls get wet and take all their clothes off. You could go and hide in the showers themselves, but since the water on your body wouldn't be invisible you'd have to rely on them not noticing a semi-transparent man appear in the corner. You could pretend to be a novelty glass statue, but you wouldn't be able to explain the developing glass stiffy.”

Ben Croshaw

Why it would kick arse to be invisible http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/essays/invis.htm
Fully Ramblomatic, Essays

Girl , Water , Appearance , Change

“Perfectly coloured to be camouflaged totally in a 60's living room, the zebra has powerful legs and a thirst for blood!”

Ben Croshaw

Fight or Flight?
Fully Ramblomatic, Features

Fight

“In answer to your first question, of course God was good in bed! He's perfect in every way! God not only knows the secret path to the clitoris, but he's also aware of a little nerve just underneath the right shoulder blade connected directly to a lady's pleasure centre!”

Ben Croshaw

Ask Yahtzee 3
Fully Ramblomatic, Features

God , Pleasure , Secret , Way

“Quod Erat Demonstrandum, fuckers. (25 April 2005)”

Ben Croshaw

Fully Ramblomatic

“A 'relationship' occurs when two people run out of things to say to each other, so they shut each other up by putting their genitals in each other's mouths. A break up comes about when they run out of things to do with those, too.”

Ben Croshaw

11 November 2010
Fully Ramblomatic

People