“It's not that transgender people are going to go and molest children. It's that once you say men can go into women's bathrooms — men who are out shopping with their little daughters and don't have mommy to bring her in there. It's not that the trans are going to molest them, it's that a child molester now has the right to go into that bathroom.”

“I like how if you criticize the war you don't support the troops. You're the ones sending them over to die, so how is it I don’t support them? If the army was made up of child molesters, then I'd support them. If we went to an all child molester army, I would be their biggest supporter. "Please don't bring the troops home. Stay the course. Keep them there a long time." But they're not child molesters. And they're not the Twins, that’s for sure. Where are the Twins? Send in the Twins. I'd like to hear that scene. "Jenna, Barbara… Daddy and I have talked it over and we want you to go fight in Iraq."”

“If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.”

“To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?”

“Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance.”

“When women go wrong, men go right after them.”

“The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.”

“I call on the Libyan people, men and women, to go out into the squares and the streets in all the cities in their millions. … Go peacefully… be courageous, rise up, go to the streets, raise our green flags to the skies. … Don't be afraid of anyone. You are the people. You have right on your side. You are the rightful people of this land.”

“You can say with safety that nowadays women have finally acknowledged their position of not liking men. We could say now that women don't like men. They can acknowledge that they prefer the company of their own kind. I think we can also say generally that most men do not like other men. Most men prefer to like women. So women are the most liked by the most people. Men love women, women love children, and children love hamsters. A one-way slide. There is little going back the other way. Can hamsters love children? I leave you to deduce the rest.”

“All the kids from daycare are in dreamland.
The froggie has made his last leap.
Hell no you can't go to the bathroom.
You know where you can go?
The f**k to sleep.”