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Steven Wright Quotes
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Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsense jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Wright was ranked as the twenty-third greatest comedian by Comedy Central in a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics. He was awarded the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for his 1988 short film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings.

✵ 6. December 1955
Steven Wright photo
Steven Wright: 178 quotes14 likes

Steven Wright Quotes

“You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.”

Steven Wright

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

Steven Wright

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

Steven Wright

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

Steven Wright

“Sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Special (1985)

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

Steven Wright

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

Steven Wright

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

Steven Wright

“I'm a peripheral visionary.”

Steven Wright

“Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”

Steven Wright

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”

Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

Steven Wright

I Have A Pony (1985)
Context: I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

“When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”

Steven Wright

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”

Steven Wright

“I had amnesia once or twice.”

Steven Wright

“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

Steven Wright

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

Steven Wright

“I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”

Steven Wright

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

Steven Wright

“Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.”

Steven Wright

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

Steven Wright

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

Steven Wright

“Is it possible to be totally partial?”

Steven Wright

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”

Steven Wright

“Does fuzzy logic tickle?”

Steven Wright

“I just lost a buttonhole.”

Steven Wright

“always remember your unique, just like everone else”

Steven Wright

“I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Special (1985)

“I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it.”

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away (2006), I Still Have a Pony (2007)

“About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper—I don't even like lines on the paper—so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, "Wow." And then two or three years ago, someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad.”

Steven Wright

Interviews

“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start…”

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away (2006), I Still Have a Pony (2007)

“I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Special (1985)

“Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises…gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy.”

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away (2006), I Still Have a Pony (2007)

“I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”

Steven Wright

When the Leaves Blow Away (2006), I Still Have a Pony (2007)

“I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Special (1985)