Steven Wright Quotes

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“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

“Sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

“The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.”

“I'm a peripheral visionary.”

“Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”

“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”

“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

“My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.”

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.”

“When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”

“If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

“I had amnesia once or twice.”

“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

“If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

“I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.”

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“Is it possible to be totally partial?”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”

“Does fuzzy logic tickle?”

“I just lost a buttonhole.”

“always remember your unique, just like everone else”

“I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

“I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it.”

“About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper—I don't even like lines on the paper—so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, "Wow." And then two or three years ago, someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad.”

“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start…”

“I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."”

“Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises…gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy.”

“I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”

“I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.”