P. J. O'Rourke: Goodness

“Being gloomy is easier than being cheerful. Anybody can say "I've got cancer" and get a rise out of a crowd. But how many of us can do five minutes of good stand-up comedy?”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Give War a Chance

Give War a Chance (1992)

Communication

“Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what's good for people than people do is a swine.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

People , Idea , Thinking , Swine

“People who are wise, good, smart, skillful, or hardworking don't need politics, they have jobs.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

People

“A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.”

P. J. O'Rourke

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

Exercises , Drink

“Bachelors know all about parties. In fact, a good bachelor is a living, breathing party all by himself. At least that is what my girlfriend said when she found the gin bottles under the couch. I believe her exact words were, "You're a disgusting, drunken mess."”

P. J. O'Rourke

And that's a good description of a party, if it's done right.
The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

“The principal feature of American liberalism is sanctimoniousness. By loudly denouncing all bad things — war and hunger and date rape — liberals testify to their own terrific goodness. More important, they promote themselves to membership in a self-selecting elite of those who care deeply about such things…. It's a kind of natural aristocracy, and the wonderful thing about this aristocracy is that you don't have to be brave, smart, strong or even lucky to join it, you just have to be liberal.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Give War a Chance

Give War a Chance (1992)

Hunger , War , Nature , Strong

“Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

“Imagine a weight-loss program at the end of which, instead of better health, good looks, and hot romantic prospects, you die. Somalia had become just this kind of spa.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

Health , Imagination , Loss

“There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as caring and sensitive because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he is willing to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he will do good with his own money — if a gun is held to his head.”

P. J. O'Rourke

How to Explain Conservatism to Your Squishy Liberal Friends: Individualism 'R' Us
Why I Am a Conservative (1996)

Money , People , Support

“The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.”

P. J. O'Rourke

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

Forgiveness , Cooking

“A pleasant natural environment is a good— a luxury good, philosophical good, a moral goody-good, a good time for all. Whatever, we want it. If we want something, we should pay for it, with our labor or our cash. We shouldn't beg it, steal it, sit around wishing for it, or euchre the government into taking it by force.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

Nature , Time

“We’re told cars are dangerous. It’s safer to drive through South Central Los Angeles than to walk there. We’re told cars are wasteful. Wasteful of what? Oil did a lot of good sitting in the ground for millions of years. We’re told cars should be replaced with mass transportation. But it’s hard to reach the drive-through window at McDonald’s from a speeding train. And we’re told cars cause pollution. A hundred years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine?”

P. J. O'Rourke

Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut (1996)

Angels , Cars , Horse , Speed

“The Third World attitude toward the United States is also easy to understand if you think of it in terms of adolescence. The citizens of the Third World are in a teenage muddle about us--full of envy, imitation, anger and blind puppy love. I have been held at gunpoint by a Shi'ite youth in West Beirut who told me in one breath that America was "pig Satan devil" and that he planned to go to dental school in Dearborn as soon as he got his green card. In Ulundi, in Zululand, I talked to a young man who, as usual, blamed apartheid on the United States. However, he had just visited the U. S. with a church group and also told me, "Everything is so wonderful there. The race relations are so good. And everyone is rich."”

P. J. O'Rourke book Give War a Chance

Just what part of America had he visited, I asked. "The South Side of Chicago," he said.
Give War a Chance (1992)

Love , Youth , World , School

“It takes a lot of weapons to do good works (as Richard the Lionhearted could have told us). And this is not just a Somali problem. We have poverty and deprivation in our own country. Try standing unarmed on a street corner in Compton handing out twenty-dollar bills and see how long you last.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

Problem , Country

“Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

Way , Personality

“I wonder how many of the people who profess to believe in the leveling ideas of collectivism and egalitarianism really just believe that they themselves are good for nothing. I mean, how many leftists are animated by a quite reasonable self-loathing? In their hearts they know that they are not going to become scholars or inventors or industrialists or even ordinary good kind people. So they need a way to achieve that smugness for which the left is so justifiably famous. They need a way to achieve self-esteem without merit. Well, there is politics. In an egalitarian world everything will be controlled by politics, and politics requires no merit.”

P. J. O'Rourke

A Message to Redistributionists (1997)

People , World , Way , Idea

“Freddie Aguilar, who's billed as "the Bob Dylan of the Philippines." This is unfair, since he's good-looking, plays the guitar well, can carry a tune, and writes songs that make sense.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

Sense