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P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

Patrick Jake O'Rourke is an American political satirist and journalist. O'Rourke is the H. L. Mencken Research Fellow at the libertarian Cato Institute and is a regular correspondent for The Atlantic Monthly, The American Spectator, and The Weekly Standard, and frequent panelist on National Public Radio's game show Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!. Since 2011, he has been a columnist at The Daily Beast.In the UK, he is known as the face of a long-running series of television advertisements for British Airways in the 1990s. He is the author of 20 books, the best known of which are Holidays in Hell, a compilation of O'Rourke's articles as a free-lance foreign correspondent, All the Trouble in the World, an examination of current political concerns such as global warming and famine from a libertarian perspective.The Forbes Media Guide Five Hundred, 1994 states, "O'Rourke's original reporting, irreverent humor, and crackerjack writing makes for delectable reading. He never minces words or pulls his punches, whatever the subject." Wikipedia  

✵ 14. November 1947  •  Other names Patrick Jake O'Rourke, P. J. O´Rourke
P. J. O'Rourke photo

Works

Holidays in Hell
Holidays in Hell
P. J. O'Rourke
Republican Party Reptile
Parliament of Whores
Parliament of Whores
P. J. O'Rourke
Holidays in Hell
Holidays in Hell
P. J. O'Rourke
Republican Party Reptile
Parliament of Whores
Parliament of Whores
P. J. O'Rourke
P. J. O'Rourke: 185 quotes20 likes

Famous P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

“At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Give War a Chance

Give War a Chance (1992)

“You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Give War a Chance

Give War a Chance (1992)

“Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailing-boat equipment, the gin and tonic.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“The larger the German body, the smaller the German bathing suit and the louder the German voice issuing German demands and German orders to everybody who doesn't speak German. For this, and several other reasons, Germany is known as 'the land where Israelis learned their manners.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“The collegiate idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something about it.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Parliament of Whores

Source: Parliament of Whores (1991), p. 198

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about people

“Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what's good for people than people do is a swine.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“I'm a registered Republican and consider socialism a violation of the American principle that you shouldn't stick your nose in other people's business except to make a buck.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

“Foreigners may pretend otherwise, but if English is spoken loudly enough, anyone can understand it, the British included. Actually, there’s no such thing as a foreign language. The world is just filled with people who grunt and squeak instead of speaking sensibly. French may be an exception. But since it’s impossible to figure out what French people are saying, we’ll never know for sure.”

P. J. O'Rourke

Modern Manners (1983)

“Remember, FDA employees are serious about fear. We pay these people to panic about an iota of rodent hair in our chili, even when the recipe calls for it. FDA employees are first-class agonizers, world champions at losing sleep. When Meryl Streep got hysterical about Alar, they actually checked the apples instead of Meryl's head.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Parliament of Whores

Parliament of Whores (1991)

“These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke: Trending quotes

“Being gloomy is easier than being cheerful. Anybody can say "I've got cancer" and get a rise out of a crowd. But how many of us can do five minutes of good stand-up comedy?”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“One nice thing about the Third World, you don't have to fasten your seat belt. (Or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.) It takes a lot off your mind when average life expectancy is forty-five minutes.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“Incidentally, there's a balanced position that all of America's presidential candidates could take on the controversial abortion issue. If they want votes they shouldn't campaign to make abortion illegal or legal. They should campaign to make it retroactive. If a kid reaches 25 and he or she is still jobless, feckless, and sitting around Starbucks acting like a — no offense — European, then whack.”

P. J. O'Rourke

"Letter to Our European Friends" (4 February 2008)

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

“Advocating the expansion of the powers of the state is treason to mankind, goddamnit!”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Cockfighting has always been my idea of a great sport— two armed entrées battling to see who'll be dinner.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“In a society where commonweal does not exist, there are no duties, only exactations to be avoided, and no freedoms, only privileges to be grabbed. There can be no such thing as "public services" because nothing in the country is truly public. Everything is somebody's fief. And every fief must be exploited if the exploiter cares to survive.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Something is happening to America, not something dangerous but something all too safe. I see it in my lifelong friends. I am a child of the "baby boom," a generation not known for its sane or cautious approach to things. Yet suddenly my peers are giving up drinking, giving up smoking, cutting down on coffee, sugar, and salt. They will not eat red meat and go now to restaurants whose menus have caused me to stand on a chair yelling, "Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, dinner is served!" This from the generation of LSD, Weather Underground, and Altamont Rock Festival! And all in the name of safety! Our nation has withstood many divisions—North and South, black and white, labor and management—but I do not know if the country can survive division into smoking and non-smoking sections.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

“The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should either be nude or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.”

P. J. O'Rourke

Modern Manners (1983)

“One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on.”

P. J. O'Rourke

Rolling Stone (30 November 1989) https://books.google.com/books?id=4cl5c4T9LWkC&amp;pg=PA347&amp;lpg=PA347&amp;dq=%22the+annoying+things+about+believing+in+free+will+and+individual+responsibility%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=87tHwdgxHT&amp;sig=t-cX3HtpzKcKAd5GztMu4YkLLgM&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=Jl7OSvzgFpCMtgemntGEBA&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=7&amp;ved=0CBwQ6AEwBg#v=onepage&amp;q=%22the%20annoying%20things%20about%20believing%20in%20free%20will%20and%20individual%20responsibility%22&amp;f=false <br class="br">Context: One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it&#x27;s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver&#x27;s license.

“Killing innocent people by surprise is not called 'a thousand points of light.' But, as frightening as terrorism is, it's the weapon of losers. The minute somebody sets off a suicide bomb, you can be sure that person doesn't have 'career prospects.' And no matter how horrendous a terrorist attack is, it's still conducted by losers.”

P. J. O'Rourke

"Putting Words in the President's Mouth" (12 October 2004)
Context: Saddam Hussein was reduced to the Unabomber — Ted Kaczynski — a nutcase hiding in the sticks. Sure, the terrorism by his supporters is frightening. Hence, its name, 'terrorism.' Killing innocent people by surprise is not called 'a thousand points of light.' But, as frightening as terrorism is, it's the weapon of losers. The minute somebody sets off a suicide bomb, you can be sure that person doesn't have 'career prospects.' And no matter how horrendous a terrorist attack is, it's still conducted by losers. Winners don't need to hijack airplanes. Winners have an Air Force.

“Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race. All through history mankind has been bullied by scum.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Parliament of Whores

Parliament of Whores (1991)
Context: Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race. All through history mankind has been bullied by scum. Those who lord it over their fellows and toss commands in every direction and would boss the grass in the meadows about which way to bend in the wind are the most depraved kind of prostitutes. They will submit to any indignity, perform any vile act, do anything to achieve power. The worst off-sloughings of the planet are the ingredients of sovereignty. Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

“One thing that's certain about going outdoors: When you come back inside, you'll be scratching.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“Mankind is supposed to have evolved in the treetops. But I have examined my sense of balance, the prehensility of my various appendages, and my attitude toward standing on anything higher than, say, political principles, and I have concluded that, personally, I evolved in the backseat of a car.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn't matter.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Never serve oysters during a month that has no paycheck in it.”

P. J. O'Rourke

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

“Daniel Patrick Moynihan is the archetypal extremely smart person who went into politics anyway instead of doing something worthwhile for his country. So maybe he owes all of us an apology…”

P. J. O'Rourke book Parliament of Whores

Parliament of Whores (1991)

“Traffic was like a bad dog. It wasn't important to look both ways when crossing the street; it was important to not show fear.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“I am a little to the right of … Why is the Attila comparison used? Fifth-century Hunnish depredations on the Roman Empire were the work of an overpowerful executive pursuing a policy of economic redistribution in an atmosphere of permissive social mores. I am a little to the right of Rush Limbaugh. I'm so conservative that I approve of San Francisco City Hall marriages, adoption by same-sex couples, and New Hampshire's recently ordained Episcopal bishop. Gays want to get married, have children, and go to church. Next they'll be advocating school vouchers, boycotting HBO, and voting Republican.”

P. J. O'Rourke

"I Agree With Me" (July/August 2004)

“The observers had a logbook recording the assaults, bombings, and artillery attacks on the area. Each page was ruled in vertical columns: DATE, TIME, LOCATION, DAMAGE, CASUALTIES. The columns headed ACTION TAKEN BY THE UN were completely empty.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Health care is too expensive, so the Clinton administration is putting Hillary in charge of making it cheaper. (This is what I always do when I want to spend less money — hire a lawyer from Yale.) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.”

P. J. O'Rourke

The Liberty Manifesto (1993)

“The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon. Being a Republican, I'm backing Hillary Clinton. Because she could lose. The reason is not that she's a woman. The reason is that she's the particular woman who taught the 4th grade class that every man in America wished he were dead in. Hillary Clinton is Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown. Hillary Clinton is 'America's ex-wife.”

P. J. O'Rourke

"Letter to Our European Friends" (4 February 2008)

“People who are wise, good, smart, skillful, or hardworking don't need politics, they have jobs.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Any random group of thirty Vietnamese women will contain a dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Fishing … is a sport invented by insects and you are the bait.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

“A child growing up in an excessively safe environment may never learn that he is one — not until he gets married and has a wife to tell him so.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

“Crowded as the country is, is overcrowding even its main problem? Hong Kong and Singapore both have greater population densities (14.315 and 12.347 per square mile, respectively) than Bangladesh, and they're called success stories. The same goes for Monaco. In fact, the whole Riviera is packed in August, and neither Malthus nor Ehrlich have complained about the topless beaches of St. Tropez.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“On Friday, June 12, 1992, 110 heads of state gathered at Riocentro. They were indistinguishable in dress and deportment. Where was biodiversity when we needed it?”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Human problems are complex. If something isn't complex it doesn't qualify as problematic. Very simple bad things are not worth troubling ourselves about.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Man has been breeding livestock for ten thousand years and has yet to come up with a monstrous sheep that can trample buildings and graze a whole golf course for breakfast.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“When a thing defies physical law, there's usually politics involved.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“It's hard to come back from the Balkans and not sound like a Pete Seeger song.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“Marijuana never kicks down your door in the middle of the night. Marijuana never locks up sick and dying people, does not suppress medical research, does not peek in bedroom windows. Even if one takes every reefer madness allegation of the prohibitionists at face value, marijuana prohibition has done far more harm to far more people than marijuana ever could.”

P. J. O'Rourke

As quoted in Busted : Stone Cowboys, Narco-lords, and Washington's War on Drugs (2002) edited by Mike Gray

“Marilyn Quayle was there, too, looking – it was indeed a strange week in Washington – great. She had her hair done up in something my wife said was a chignon, and whatever it was, it made Marilyn look considerably less like a Cape buffalo than usual. Though actually I admired the Cape buffalo look. I have an idea that – like a Cape buffalo – if Marilyn Quayle gets furious and charges, you've got only one shot at the skull. You wouldn't want to just wound her.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Parliament of Whores

Parliament of Whores (1991)

“They don't like anyone who isn't Korean, and they don't like each other all that much, either. They're hardheaded, hard-drinking, tough little bastards, "the Irish of Asia."”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“Earnestness is just stupidity sent to college.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.”

P. J. O'Rourke

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

“There is a fine line in the Third World between half a dozen customs officials waiting for you to offer them a bribe and half a dozen customs officials waiting for you to offer them a bribe so they can throw you in jail.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Harvard has been almost as important to the American Jewish community as the pork-sausage industry.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“War will exist as long as there's a food chain.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“Weird clothing is de rigeur for teenagers, but today's generation of teens is finding it difficult to be sufficiently weird. This is because the previous generation of teens, who went through adolescence in the sixties and seventies, used up practically all the available weirdness.”

P. J. O'Rourke

Modern Manners (1983)

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Parliament of Whores

Parliament of Whores (1991)

“The real slums are another matter. The bad parts of Tondo are as bad as any place I've seen, ancient, filthy houses swarmed with the poor and stinking of sewage and trash. But there are worse parts— squatter areas where people live under cardboard, in shipping crates, behind tacked-up newspapers. Dad would march you straight to the basement with a hairbrush in his hand if he caught you keeping your hamster cage like this.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

“The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“The Institute of U. S. and Canadian Studies is supposed to have subscribed to the Village Voice for six years in an attempt to find out about life in America's rural areas.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

“Two key rules of Third World travel: 1. Never run out of whiskey. 2. Never run out of whiskey.”

P. J. O'Rourke

All the Trouble in the World (1994)

“Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Holidays in Hell

Holidays in Hell (1989)

“You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal.”

P. J. O'Rourke

The Liberty Manifesto (1993)

“The difference between American parties is actually simple. Democrats are in favor of higher taxes to pay for greater spending, while Republicans are in favor of greater spending, for which the taxpayers will pay. In foreign policy, Republicans intend to pursue the war in Iraq but to do so with a minimal number of troops on the ground. This is not to be confused with the disastrous Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld policy of using a minimal number of troops on the ground to pursue the war in Iraq. Democrats intend to end the war, but they don't know when. Democrats are making the 'high school sex promise': I'll pull out in time, honest!”

P. J. O'Rourke

"Letter to Our European Friends" (4 February 2008)

“Jewishness cropped up and has never successfully been put down since.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

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