Quotes from book
Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile
P. J. O'Rourke

Republican Party Reptile, subtitled The Confessions, Adventures, Essays and Outrages of P. J. O'Rourke is a 1987 collection of essays by American satirical writer P. J. O'Rourke. O'Rourke planned to promote the book at the 1988 Republican National Convention. Though he described himself as a conservative Republican, this was not allowed, reportedly because the GOP did not appreciate O'Rourke's sense of humor.

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“I'm a registered Republican and consider socialism a violation of the American principle that you shouldn't stick your nose in other people's business except to make a buck.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“Something is happening to America, not something dangerous but something all too safe. I see it in my lifelong friends. I am a child of the "baby boom," a generation not known for its sane or cautious approach to things. Yet suddenly my peers are giving up drinking, giving up smoking, cutting down on coffee, sugar, and salt. They will not eat red meat and go now to restaurants whose menus have caused me to stand on a chair yelling, "Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, dinner is served!" This from the generation of LSD, Weather Underground, and Altamont Rock Festival! And all in the name of safety! Our nation has withstood many divisions—North and South, black and white, labor and management—but I do not know if the country can survive division into smoking and non-smoking sections.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“Fishing … is a sport invented by insects and you are the bait.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“A child growing up in an excessively safe environment may never learn that he is one — not until he gets married and has a wife to tell him so.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“The real slums are another matter. The bad parts of Tondo are as bad as any place I've seen, ancient, filthy houses swarmed with the poor and stinking of sewage and trash. But there are worse parts— squatter areas where people live under cardboard, in shipping crates, behind tacked-up newspapers. Dad would march you straight to the basement with a hairbrush in his hand if he caught you keeping your hamster cage like this.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“The Institute of U. S. and Canadian Studies is supposed to have subscribed to the Village Voice for six years in an attempt to find out about life in America's rural areas.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“Jewishness cropped up and has never successfully been put down since.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“I mean, so what if some fifty-eight-year-old butt-head gets a load on and starts playing Death Race 2000 in the rush-hour traffic jam? What kind of chance is he taking? He's just waiting around to see what kind of cancer he gets anyway. But if young, talented you, with all of life's possibilities at your fingertips, you and the future Cheryl Tiegs there, so fresh, so beautiful — if the two of you stake your handsome heads on a single roll of the dice in life's game of stop-the-semi — now that's taking chances! Which is why old people rarely risk their lives. It's not because they're chicken — they just have too much dignity to play for small stakes.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“The Soviet constitution guarantees everyone a job. A pretty scary idea, I'd say.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“In fact, safety has no place anywhere. Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. Horse races, for instance, are very dangerous. But attempt to design a safe horse and the result is a cow (an appalling animal to watch at the trotters.) And everything that isn't fun is dangerous too. It is impossible to be alive and safe.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“The forces of safety are afoot in the land. I, for one, believe it is a conspiracy— a conspiracy of Safety Nazis shouting "Sieg Health" and seeking to trammel freedom, liberty, and large noisy parties. The Safety Nazis advocate gun control, vigorous exercise, and health foods. The result can only be a disarmed, exhausted, and half-starved population ready to acquiesce to dictatorship of some kind.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“To really enjoy drugs you've got to want to get out of where you are. But there are some wheres that are harder to get out of than others. This is the drug-taking problem for adults. Teenage weltschmerz is easy to escape. But what drug will get a grown-up out of, for instance, debt?”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“Every generation finds the drug it needs.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

P. J. O'Rourke photo

“Freddie Aguilar, who's billed as "the Bob Dylan of the Philippines." This is unfair, since he's good-looking, plays the guitar well, can carry a tune, and writes songs that make sense.”

P. J. O'Rourke book Republican Party Reptile

Republican Party Reptile (1987)

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