John Mulaney Quotes

“Now, I don't know if you've been following the news, but I've been keeping my ears open, and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-mad about everything all the time.”

“I know now that I'm definetely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.”

“Building a gazebo in the middle of the civil war, that'd be like doing stand-up comedy now.”

“You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't wannt to walk into the ocean.”

“The world is run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that we're not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff.”

“Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives.”

“I don't like confrontation, 'cause I've never been in a fight before. Though maybe you could tell that from the first moment I walked out on stage. I don't give off that vibe. Some people give off a vibe of, like... Right away, they're like "Do not fuck with me."”

“From an early age, I tried to be funny for the adults. [...] I think I thought and feel still that I have to provide that in order for people to like me.”

“It's been proven that people will take information from a female voice, but they will only take a warning from a male voice. Now that's its own American gender nightmare that we don't have time to get into.”

“I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. [...] My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles.”

“I didn't mean to make it sound like we don't want children. We don't, but I didn't mean to make it sound like that.”

“If you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father, you’re an insane person.”

“I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma.”

“It's just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who's seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. I can't have them roaming around.”

“I'm gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don't even have a joke for that, that's how much I hate that shit.”

“I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week.”

“For those of you who aren't Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you, although we love to exclude you.”

“I was raised Catholic. I don't know if you can tell that from the everything about me.”

“I was a cool person at one time. I used to do cocaine.”

“A "hero" is any man who does his job. You a lot of times see headlines that are like, "hero tutor teaches after school", and you're like, yeah.”

“In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

“It is so much easier not to do things than to do them that you would do anything is totally remarkable.”

“I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that, if you're ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.”