John Mulaney Quotes (26 quotes) | Quotes of famous people

John Mulaney: 26 quotes1 like

Famous John Mulaney Quotes

“If there's a hell, I think it's an encyclopedia, and you can just look up what everyone in your life thought about you. And if there is a heaven, it's a wikipedia, and you can just change that.”

John Mulaney

“Now, I don't know if you've been following the news, but I've been keeping my ears open, and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-mad about everything all the time.”

John Mulaney

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

“I know now that I'm definetely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.”

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid (2015)

“Building a gazebo in the middle of the civil war, that'd be like doing stand-up comedy now.”

John Mulaney

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

“You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't wannt to walk into the ocean.”

John Mulaney

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

“The world is run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that we're not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff.”

John Mulaney

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

John Mulaney Quotes about people

“Crazy people are like that. They have unlimited crazy currency. [...] The things they say mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me.”

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid (2015)

“Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives.”

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid (2015)

“I don't like confrontation, 'cause I've never been in a fight before. Though maybe you could tell that from the first moment I walked out on stage. I don't give off that vibe. Some people give off a vibe of, like... Right away, they're like "Do not fuck with me."”

John Mulaney

My vibe is more like, "Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you."
The Comeback Kid (2015)

“From an early age, I tried to be funny for the adults. [...] I think I thought and feel still that I have to provide that in order for people to like me.”

John Mulaney

“It's been proven that people will take information from a female voice, but they will only take a warning from a male voice. Now that's its own American gender nightmare that we don't have time to get into.”

John Mulaney

John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue - SNL https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mSGwndFMp8, 03 March 2019

John Mulaney Quotes

“I don't know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room.”

John Mulaney

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

“I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. [...] My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles.”

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid (2015)

“I didn't mean to make it sound like we don't want children. We don't, but I didn't mean to make it sound like that.”

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid (2015)

“If you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father, you’re an insane person.”

John Mulaney

John Mulaney & Nick Kroll Answer the Web's Most Searched Questions | WIRED https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psbIKH5tqiM, 15 October 2018

“I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma.”

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid (2015)

“It's just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who's seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. I can't have them roaming around.”

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid (2015)

“I'm gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don't even have a joke for that, that's how much I hate that shit.”

John Mulaney

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

“I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week.”

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid (2015)

“For those of you who aren't Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you, although we love to exclude you.”

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid (2015)

“I was raised Catholic. I don't know if you can tell that from the everything about me.”

John Mulaney

The Comeback Kid (2015)

“I was a cool person at one time. I used to do cocaine.”

John Mulaney

“A "hero" is any man who does his job. You a lot of times see headlines that are like, "hero tutor teaches after school", and you're like, yeah.”

John Mulaney

New in Town (2012)

“In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

John Mulaney

New in Town (2012)

“It is so much easier not to do things than to do them that you would do anything is totally remarkable.”

John Mulaney

New in Town (2012)

“I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that, if you're ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.”

John Mulaney

New in Town (2012)

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