1. Quotes
  2. Authors
  3. George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes
page 4

George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author and social critic.

Carlin was noted for his black comedy and thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. He and his "seven dirty words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves. He is widely regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics; one newspaper called Carlin "the dean of counterculture comedians." In April 2004, he placed second on the Comedy Central list of "Top 10 Comedians of US Audiences".

The first of Carlin's 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO was filmed in 1977. From the late 1980s, Carlin's routines focused on sociocultural criticism of American society. He often commented on contemporary political issues in the United States and satirized the excesses of American culture. He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era, and hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. His final HBO special, It's Bad for Ya, was filmed fewer than four months before his death. In 2008, he was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him second on its list of the 50 best stand-up comics of all time.

✵ 12. May 1937 – 22. June 2008  •  Other names Ջորջ Քարլին
George Carlin photo
George Carlin: 270 quotes98 likes

George Carlin Quotes

“Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?”

George Carlin

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“Thegot its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.”

George Carlin

“You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets… supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.”

George Carlin

“When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic- I'm an acrostic, the whole thing puzzles me.”

George Carlin

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.”

George Carlin

“And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.”

George Carlin When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

George Carlin

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.”

George Carlin

“Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.”

George Carlin When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”

George Carlin book Last Words

Source: Last Words

“If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”

George Carlin

“I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration. Two-hundred and twenty-five of 'em, so far! 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code!”

George Carlin

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

“And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”

George Carlin

"Fussy Eater, Pt. 1"
A Place for My Stuff (1981)

“There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?"”

George Carlin

Class Clown (1972)

“If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. "Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. Thank you, officer, that'll be all. You can throw him back on the pile."”

George Carlin

"Traffic Accidents: Keep Movin'!"
Complaints and Grievances (2001)

“There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“[On why he lacked faith in humanity] The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god – that there's a man in the sky with ten things he doesn't want you to do and you'll burn for a long time if you do them – and private property, which I think is at the core of our failure as a species. That's the source of my indignations, my dissatisfactions, however it comes out on stage. I feel betrayed by the people I'm part of, these creatures, these magnificent creatures.”

George Carlin

Mother Jones Magazine, March/April 1997
Interviews, Print Interviews

“The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. And I'd say "Well, I don't get off 'till four o'clock." And she'd say "Well, I don't get off at all. That's why I'm looking for some tongue!"”

George Carlin

Playing With Your Head (1986)

“The difference between left and right of center … originated in the French parliament. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. Broadly speaking. And generally speaking, people on … the right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. The rights and the rights of property. And generally speaking again – it's all generalized – the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. That's generally been true. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before.”

George Carlin

Real Time with Bill Maher, September 9, 2005
Interviews, Television Appearances

“If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“But let’s say it’s true; let’s say God gave us these rights. Why would he give us a certain number of rights? The Bill of Rights of this country has ten stipulations, okay? Ten rights. And apparently God was doing sloppy work that week because we've had to amend the Bill of Rights an additional 17 times. So God forgot a couple of things. Like…SLAVERY! Just fuckin' slipped his mind.”

George Carlin

"You Have No Rights"
It's Bad for Ya (2008)

“One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.”

George Carlin

"Getting old"
It's Bad for Ya (2008)

“Try explaining Hitler to a kid.”

George Carlin

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“Dear Political Activists,
All your chanting, marching, voting, picketing, boycotting and letter-writing will not change a thing; you will never right the wrongs of this world. The only thing your activity will accomplish is to make some of you feel better. Such activity makes powerless people feel useful, and provides them the illusion that they're making a difference. But it doesn't work. Nothing changes. The powerful keep the power. That's why they're called the powerful.
This is similar to people's belief that love can overcome everything, that it has some special power. It doesn't. Except one on one. One on one, love is incredibly powerful. It is a beautiful thing. But if love had any power to change the world, it would have prevailed by now. Love can't change the world. It's nice. It's pleasant. It's better than hate. But it has no special power over things. It just feels good. Love yourself, find another person to love and feel good.
Love, George”

George Carlin

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

“There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them.”

George Carlin

entitled Surf's Down Forever, p. 207
Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“"Undisputed heavyweight champion." Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.”

George Carlin

Toledo Window Box (1974)
Source: Carlin, George, perf. Toledo Window Box. Rec. 20 Jul 1974. Monte Kay, Jack Lewis, 1974. Vinyl recording.

“Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, "Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. That way, perhaps we can add our own special, obscene imprint to Christmas in Midtown."”

George Carlin

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

“Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line… I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.”

George Carlin

The Onion A.V. Club, November 10, 1999 http://www.avclub.com/articles/george-carlin,13629/ <br class="br">Interviews, Print Interviews

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts … Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

George Carlin

Real Time with Bill Maher, September 9, 2005
Interviews, Television Appearances

“The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers…but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!”

George Carlin

Bill Maher's program on ABC
Interviews, Television Appearances

“Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.”

George Carlin

Carlin on Campus (1984)

“I wonder why prostitution is illegal. Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?”

George Carlin

The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson (1989)
Interviews, Television Appearances

“"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

George Carlin

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.”

George Carlin

Playing With Your Head (1986)

“If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles."”

George Carlin

"Free-Floating Hostility"
Back in Town (1996)