George Carlin: Trending quotes

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

“Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.”

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

“I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”

“If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

“Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

“Religion is just mind control.”

“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”

“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”

“People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

“Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.”

“I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm.”