George Carlin Quotes

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“If we could only find out who's in charge, we could kill him.”

“Think off center.”

“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.”

“Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.”

“Life is tough, then you die.”

“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”

“I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”

“Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.”

“If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?”

“Always do whatever's next.”

“What wine goes with Captain Crunch?”

“Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”

“Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.”

“Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”

“Is there another word for synonym?”

“Sometimes a little brain damage can help.”

“The status quo sucks.”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

“I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.”

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”

“I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”

“I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.”

“She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.”

“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”

“I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.”

“You can prick your finger… Just don't finger your prick.”

“I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

“A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.”

“The older you get, the better you realize you were.”

“Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.”

“With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.”

“No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.”

“I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.”

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.”

“Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!”

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom”

“The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.”

“I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.”

“The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”

“Twat is twat and that is that.”

“One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”

“I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.”

“There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”

“I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.”

“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”

“What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!”

“Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.”

“Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?”