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George Carlin Quotes
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George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author and social critic.

Carlin was noted for his black comedy and thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. He and his "seven dirty words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves. He is widely regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics; one newspaper called Carlin "the dean of counterculture comedians." In April 2004, he placed second on the Comedy Central list of "Top 10 Comedians of US Audiences".

The first of Carlin's 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO was filmed in 1977. From the late 1980s, Carlin's routines focused on sociocultural criticism of American society. He often commented on contemporary political issues in the United States and satirized the excesses of American culture. He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era, and hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. His final HBO special, It's Bad for Ya, was filmed fewer than four months before his death. In 2008, he was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him second on its list of the 50 best stand-up comics of all time.

✵ 12. May 1937 – 22. June 2008  •  Other names Ջորջ Քարլին
George Carlin photo
George Carlin: 270 quotes98 likes

George Carlin Quotes

“It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.”

George Carlin

“Think off center.”

George Carlin

“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.”

George Carlin

“Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.”

George Carlin

“Life is tough, then you die.”

George Carlin

“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”

George Carlin When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.”

George Carlin

“If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?”

George Carlin

“Always do whatever's next.”

George Carlin

“What wine goes with Captain Crunch?”

George Carlin

“Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”

George Carlin

“Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.”

George Carlin When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Is there another word for synonym?”

George Carlin

“Sometimes a little brain damage can help.”

George Carlin

“The status quo sucks.”

George Carlin

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

George Carlin

“I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“You can prick your finger… Just don't finger your prick.”

George Carlin

Class Clown (1972)
Context: And the other two-way word is "prick". It's okay if it happens to your finger; yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!

“A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“The older you get, the better you realize you were.”

George Carlin

“Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.”

George Carlin

“With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.”

George Carlin

“No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.”

George Carlin

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.”

George Carlin

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom”

George Carlin

“The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.”

George Carlin

“I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“Twat is twat and that is that.”

George Carlin

“One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”

George Carlin

“I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.”

George Carlin

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”

George Carlin

Class Clown (1972)
Context: There are four hundred thousand words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on television. What a ratio that is: 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad; they'd have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large! "All of you over here, you seven? BAD WORDS." That's what they told us they were, remember? "That's a bad word!" …No bad words; bad thoughts, bad intentions... and words. You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war.

“Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings