George Carlin Quotes (270 quotes, page 5)

“I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.”

George Carlin

Class Clown (1972)
Source: Carlin, George, perf. Class Clown. Rec. 27 May 1972. Monte Kay, Jack Lewis, 1972. Vinyl recording.

“Some day birth control will come off prescription, and they'll need those cute little catchy names like the patent medicines have…some day birth control pills will have names like, "Preg-Not"! Doctors prefer "Embry-No"! Here's one for the ladies, "Nary-A-Carry"! Something lofty and poetic: "Nay Family Way"; something earthhy and crude: "Mom Bomb"; something for the youngsters, "Junior Miss"; here's a real man's product, "Inconceivable"! "Mommy-Not", "Fetus Fail", "Kiddie Kill", "Papa Stopper", "Womb Broom", "Humpty Dumpty"… I wouldn't be surprised if they came up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time; they'd call it "Baby Maybe!"”

George Carlin

FM & AM (1972)

Family , Way , Moms , Birth

“Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.”

George Carlin

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

Way , Mountain , Football

“Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!"”

George Carlin

Occupation: Foole (1973)

“I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.”

George Carlin

"George Bush"
It's Bad for Ya (2008)

Country

“Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.”

George Carlin

FM & AM (1972)

Birth

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body”

George Carlin

The actual author of this quote is Roger J. Corless, from his book "The Vision of Buddhism: the Space Under the Tree". The original quote is, "We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over my body." ( [Corless, Robert J., Vision of Buddhism: The Space Under the Tree, http://books.google.com/books?hl=de&id=KecGAAAAYAAJ&q=sandwiches#search_anchor, 2013-03-07, 1998, Paragon House, 1557782008, 20, 362] )
Misattributed

Funny , Hunger , Happiness

“It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.”

George Carlin

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

History , Country

“This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died." "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?"”

George Carlin

"Death"
It's Bad for Ya (2008)

Death , Guy , Help

“You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to others. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck. But where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they're elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks. This is the best we can do. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. Garbage in, garbage out.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

People , School , Family , Home

“I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.”

George Carlin

"Modern Man"
Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

“Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a… secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.”

George Carlin

Doin' It Again, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)

Secret , Law , Way , Game

“I give you my revised list of the two commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to". Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket, and I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment: "Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself".”

George Carlin

"The Ten Commandments"
Complaints and Grievances (2001)

Faith , Religion

“We are on a nice downward glide. I call it circling the drain … And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty… Huish! And we'll be gone. And that's fine. I welcome it. I wish I could live 1000 years to watch it happen. From a distance — so I can see it all.”

George Carlin

Archive of American Television http://www.emmytvlegends.org/interviews/people/george-carlin, from one of Carlin's final interviews (2008)
Interviews, Television Appearances

“The fanatics have another name for fetuses. They call them the pre-born. Now we're getting creative. If you accept pre-born, I think you would have to say that, at the moment of birth, we go instantly from being pre-born to being pre-dead. Makes sense, doesn't it? Technically, we're all pre-dead.”

George Carlin

Source: Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004), p. 162

Birth , Thinking , Sense , Dead

“Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!"”

George Carlin

Carlin on Campus (1984)

People , Cars , Personality

“When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They never mention coffee. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it.”

George Carlin

FM & AM (1972)

Coffee , Speed

“The planet is fine. The people are [bleeped out]. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. They don't care about the planet in theory. They just care about having a comfortable place. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. That's what I say. That's what's happening, and I can't wait for the sea levels to rise. I can't wait for some of these cities to disappear. There are places that are going to go away. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. They say, "oh, we're going for a nature walk. We're going to the country because we like nature." Nature is in here. [points to chest] And if you're in tune with it, like the Indians, the Hopis, especially, the balance of life, the balance, the harmony of nature, if you understand that, you don't overbuild. You don’t do all this moron stuff.”

George Carlin

The View, 24 October 2007 http://newsbusters.org/blogs/justin-mccarthy/2007/10/24/george-carlins-view-wildfire-victims-get-whats-coming-them
Interviews, Television Appearances

Life , People , Idea , Understanding

“Let me get a sip of water here…you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.”

George Carlin

Doin' It Again, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)

Food , Drink , Water , Happiness

“[On his work appearing on the Internet] It's a conflicted feeling. I'm really a populist, down in the very center of me. I like the power people can accrue for themselves, and I like the idea of user-generated content and taking power from the corporations. The other half of the conflict, though, is that, traditionally speaking, artists are protected from copyright infringement. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about solving this issue. It's someone else's job.”

George Carlin

Las Vegas CityLife, August 9, 2007 http://www.lvcitylife.com/articles/2007/08/10/ae/stage/iq_15893857.txt
Interviews, Print Interviews

People , Feeling , Idea , Appearance

“I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or ”Jesus, Can You Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.”

George Carlin

Source: Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

People , Hope , Thinking , Tree

“An art thief is a man who takes pictures.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

Art

“I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.”

George Carlin

"State Prison Farms"
Back in Town (1996)

Death , People , Time , Personality

“During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields. That's not accurate. Although it's true they were used as shields, the fact is they were humans already. So if these humans were used as shields, they were human shields. They weren't being used as human shields. Got that?”

George Carlin

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

People

“I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshiper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know?…”

George Carlin

You Are All Diseased (1999)

God , Sun , Help , Night

“Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?"”

George Carlin

Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.
Occupation: Foole (1973)
Source: Carlin, George, perf. Occupation: Foole. Rec. 02 Mar 1973. Monte Kay, Jack Lewis, 1973. Vinyl recording.

Time

“The Paradox of Our Time is one of many stories that has been forwarded around the internet and attributed to Carlin, but is actually by Bob Moorehead.”

George Carlin

"Don't Blame Me", Georgecarlin.com (official website), 2012-09-09 http://www.georgecarlin.com/home/dontblame.html,
"snopes.com: The Paradox of Our Time", Snopes.com, 2012-09-09 http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/paradox.asp,
Misattributed

Time

“Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back—or I'm shittin' in the well!”

George Carlin

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

Money , Time

“I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. I wish for a cowboy to walk crooked, and with great pain, for the rest of his life.”

George Carlin

Animal Instincts
Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

Life , Men , Pain , Search

“I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, “I hope your children turn out poorly.” Only once have I lost my cool. That was the time I said to a woman, “I hope you get a blister on your cunt.’ But I said it with a smile.”

George Carlin

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

Children , Smile , Hope , Cars

“Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.”

George Carlin

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

Time

“Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stick…and walking after it! And then…hitting it again! I say pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! Put it in your pocket and go home, you're a winner! You're a winner! But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more.”

George Carlin

"Golf Courses for the Homeless"
Jammin' in New York (1992)

Pleasure , Home , Thinking

“I am a Bad American is another mass-forwarded internet message often attributed to George Carlin, but was not written by him.”

George Carlin

"Bogus Carlin email", GeorgeCarlin.com (official website, 2012-09-09 http://georgecarlin.com/home/bogus.html,
Misattributed

“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.”

George Carlin

Toledo Window Box (1974)

Housing

“I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. I wish to be BLOWN UP.”

George Carlin

Books, Last Words (2009)

“You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.”

George Carlin

"Extreme Human Behavior"
Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

Flowers

“If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!"”

George Carlin

But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?"
Occupation: Foole (1973)

Guy , Game

“So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one — civil war. D'you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me…*machinegun sounds*… I'm awfully sorry! Awfully sorry."
Now of course the Civil War has been over for about 120 years. But… not so you'd really notice it. Because you see we have these people called "Civil War buffs"… in fact some of these people actually get dressed up once a year and then go out and re-fight these battles. D'you know what I say to these people? USE LIVE AMMUNITION ASSHOLES, WOULD YA PLEASE?! You might just raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!”

George Carlin

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

Love , War , People , Intelligence

“One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

People , Fashion , Thinking

“I was on a talk show recently, and the host asked me, "What do you think about the dope problem?" I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." No question about it. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugs… it's all those DRUG stores, right? Every three or four blocks, there's a big sign: "DRUGS", "Open All Night – DRUGS", "We Deliver – DRUGS", "Cut-rate DRUGS"… it's the biggest thing on their sign: "Cosmetics – Sundries – DRUGS".”

George Carlin

FM & AM (1972)

Feeling , Question , Problem , Thinking

“Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.”

George Carlin

Don't Blame Me https://web.archive.org/web/20120621054133/http://www.georgecarlin.com/home/dontblame.html
Internet, Georgecarlin.com (official website)

People , Stupidity , Way , Problem

“For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat. ”

George Carlin

God , Dogs

“The fanatics have another name for fetuses. They call them the pre-born.”

George Carlin

Now we're getting creative. If you accept pre-born, I think you would have to say that, at the moment of birth, we go instantly from being pre-born to being pre-dead. Makes sense, doesn't it? Technically, we're all pre-dead.
Source: Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004), p. 162

“During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields.”

George Carlin

That's not accurate. Although it's true they were used as shields, the fact is they were humans already. So if these humans were used as shields, they were human shields. They weren't being used as human shields. Got that?
Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

People

“And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. Everywhere you go now, there’s some dick, some yo-yo, some putz with a camcorder, and he is going to tape…EVERYTHING! Doesn’t anyone in this country stop and LOOK AT THINGS anymore? Sort of take them in? Maybe even…remember them? Is that such a strange notion. Does experience need to be documented and brought home and saved on a shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are people’s lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already DID?”

George Carlin

"Free-Floating Hostility"
Back in Town (1996)

Home , People , Country

“I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos!”

George Carlin

Playing With Your Head (1986)

Night

“Undisputed heavyweight champion.”

George Carlin

Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?
Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)