“I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.”

“I am no stranger to loud noise. I've been to a Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels concert. I once dated a woman with two kids.”

“Valentine's Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date.”

“I had a lot of dates, but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.”

“Oh, I was only twenty four hours from Tulsa,
Ah, only one day away from your arms;
I hate to do this to you but I love somebody new, what can I do?
And I can never, never, never … go home again.”

“If this is love, no thanks. I don’t want any part of it. When I’m older, I’m just going to do my own thing. If I like a boy, fine, I’ll date him, but I’m not going to sit at home and cry over him. I cry over important things.”

“You know, I would date if I could find a man worth shaving my legs for. But most are such a waste of time that I’d rather sit at home and watch reruns of Hee Haw.”

“I'm Dylan. I'm so cool. I want to date myself, but I don't know how! You want to date me instead? You're so lucky!”

“I think we're dating now" "Come on… I got you naked. You wore a damn corset. And don't get me started on the sponge bath afterward.”

“I know who and what I am. I am The Executioner, and I don't date Vampires. I kill them.”