“Note that ANSI standards also cost way too much compared to toilet paper, and they're pretty bad quality as toilet paper goes, too.”

“Life before toilet paper was not worth living.”

“Radio From Hell: A great alternative to toilet paper.”

“I will not ask my wife to buy toilet paper.”

“I like Halloween, you people like Halloween? [Audience cheers] I love it, too. My brother got in trouble last Halloween for toilet-papering people's houses. He said, "Dude, I didn't know that was illegal!" I said, "It ain't, but you are supposed to use fresh toilet paper. Pull your pants up and stop pooping in those pumpkins, too! For God's sake, you're the sheriff!"”

“France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can’t tear the toilet paper.”

“What is soul? I don't know! Soul is a hamhock in your cornflakes… Soul is a joint rolled in toilet paper.”

“These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.”

“Standards are paper. I use paper to wipe my butt every day. That's how much that paper is worth.”

“It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.”