“I am terrified of mayonnaise. It was so bad when I was little that my friends would chase me around the house with a jar of mayonnaise and a knife.”

“It's a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face.”

“I have always wanted to write a book that ended with the word 'mayonnaise.”

“Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.”

“And parents, some old fashioned kitchen wisdom for dealing with those lice: take your child and cover his hair with mayonnaise and shove him outside because he disgraced your house by bringing lice into it.”

“Though my friends envied me because I always seemed so cheerful and confident, I was secretly terrified of practically everything.”

“.. when I had my imaginary friend I would look out of the small glass panes of the window and fill them with steam. Then, I would draw a little window and go out through it. Opposite our house, there was a milk store that was named Pinzon, and I would travel from the little window through the "o" in Pinzon, and from there into the center of the earth, where I had my friend, and we would dance and play... I do not remember my friend's house, and she had no name. She was like me in age. She had no face. The truth is, I do not remember if she had a face or not, and she was very lively. I could not describe her.”

“Monica was glad Walter was married, so she didn’t have to go into any of the other reasons she didn’t want to get involved with him, such as the fact that he had the intellectual depth of mayonnaise.”

“Life's like a mayonnaise soda
And life's like space without room
And life's like bacon and ice cream
That's what life's like without you”

“When the fight comes, always endeavour to chase the enemy around to your left side. Chase him towards awkward places, and try to keep him with his back to awkward places. When the enemy gets into an inconvenient position, do not let him look around, but conscientiously chase him around and pin him down. In houses, chase the enemy into the thresholds, lintels, doors, verandas, pillars, and so on, again not letting him see his situation.
Always chase the enemy into bad footholds, obstacles at the side, and so on, using the virtues of the place to establish predominant positions from which to fight. You must research and train diligently in this.”