Quotes from book
The Areas of My Expertise

The Areas of My Expertise

The Areas of My Expertise is a satirical almanac by John Hodgman. It is written in the form of absurd historical stories, complex charts and graphs, and fake newspaper columns. Among its sections are a list of 700 different hobo names and complete descriptions of "all 51" US states. The full title of the book is:

“Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

Source: The Areas of My Expertise (2005), p. 46

“The decision to drop the atomic bomb - that wasn't Truman, but sweepstakes winner Penny Holkum of Palm Beach. And for that she received a case of Lucky Strikes and a lifetime supply of sadness.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

April 25, 2006
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“Truth may be stranger than fiction, goes the old saw, but it is never as strange as lies.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

Or, for that matter, as true.
Source: The Areas of My Expertise (2005), p. 18

“This pie chart represents the $70 billion in tax cuts, and the majority of that will go to people making over $200,000 a year. Or, as the government refers to them, "citizens."”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

May 17, 2006
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“You can't fight a war on terror if you're ending a sentence with a preposition.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

April 25, 2006
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“So long as you refuse to ever acknowledge failure, success becomes eternal, a downward curve, always approaching failure, but never quite reaching it.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

September 11, 2007
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“(on soccer) Americans don't need a metaphor for war. We have war.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

June 8, 2006
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“The geographic center of North America is historically located in Osborne County, Kansas. It is said that all armies will bow to the one who controls it.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

Source: The Areas of My Expertise (2005), p. 175

“And parents, some old fashioned kitchen wisdom for dealing with those lice: take your child and cover his hair with mayonnaise and shove him outside because he disgraced your house by bringing lice into it.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

September 13, 2006
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“The silhouette was named for Etienne de Silhouette, the notoriously stingy finance minister for Louis XV, who ironically was himself incapable of casting a shadow, due to lycanthropy.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

Source: The Areas of My Expertise (2005), p. 76

“If you make the smokestacks out of children, who will you force to clean them?”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

May 17, 2006
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“There had been hoboes in the United States since there had been trains and liquor, which is to say, always.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

Source: The Areas of My Expertise (2005), p. 98

“For the first time in history, well-educated, affluent, white males are going to have their say.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

April 17, 2008
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“Science is not science. It's an art, like… art, in a way.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

October 18, 2007
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“Like most experts, I've always defined a planet in common-sense terms: Can you beam down to it? Is it populated by green-skinned women? Would Galactus eat it for food?”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

August 24, 2006
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“Weathermen are the ponchoed buffoons who spend hurricanes outside, buffeted by winds, lashed by rains, struggling to stand erect. A mime's "walking against the wind" routine come horribly to life. Whereas meteorologists - we're the people who sent them out there.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

September 30, 2006
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“What better emblem for our nation, after all, than a level playing field, shaped like an octagon, where people of diverse cultural ass-kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start kicking ass.”

John Hodgman book The Areas of My Expertise

June 11, 2007
The Areas of My Expertise (2005), Appearances on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

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