“You are a most vexing young woman, you know.”

“Then all you lovers have good heed
Vex not young Love in word or deed:
Love never leaves an unpaid debt,
He will not pardon nor forget.”

“This has to be the most self-centered thing I've ever said, but no, I think you just wanted to vex me.”

“My lord, you know what Virgil sings—
Woman is various and most mutable.”

“Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one young woman and another.”

“No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young woman.”

“Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”

“Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.”

“I don’t know what my image is. I went to France to publicize Marvin’s Room, and one really smart young woman journalist said to me “You know, what I told people I was going to interview Meryl Streep, they were so excited…all ze woman in my office, they love you so much. But ze men - they are afraid of you.”

“But when you are older, nothing you did when you were young matters at all. I know that now, though I didn't know it then. We were simply young.”