Terry Pratchett Quotes

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“I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the last thing on my mind…”

“He felt that the darkness was full of unimaginable horrors - and the trouble with unimaginable horrors was that they were only too easy to imagine…”

“… people didn't seem to be able to remember what it was like with the elves around. Life was certainly more interesting then, but usually because it was shorter. And it was more colorful, if you liked the color of blood.”

“And, as always happens, and happens far too soon, the strange and wonderful becomes a memory and a memory becomes a dream. Tomorrow it's gone.”

“You just put that sword away, sir, please," said the voice of Lance-Constable Vimes.
"You will not shoot me, you young idiot. That would be murder," said the captain calmly.
"Not where I'm aiming, sir.”

“Students, eh? Love 'em or hate 'em, you can't hit them with a shovel!”

“Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them.”

“Modesty is only arrogance by stealth.”

“Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography.”

“… William wondered why he always disliked people who said 'no offense meant.' Maybe it was because they found it easier to to say 'no offense meant' than actually to refrain from giving offense.”

“One day a tortoise will learn how to fly.”

“Most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally evil, but by people being fundamentally people.”

“It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane.”

“The Kraken stirs. And ten billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.”

“Verence would rather cut his own leg off than put a witch in prison, since it'd save trouble in the long run and probably be less painful.”

“Two types of people laugh at the law: those that break it and those that make it.”

“Someone out there was about to find that their worst nightmare was a maddened Librarian. With a badge.”

“Never trust a species that grins all the time. It’s up to something.”

“His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.”

“I wouldn't trust you with a bucket of water if my knickers were on fire!”

“Peace?' said Vetinari. 'Ah, yes, defined as period of time to allow for preparation for the next war.”

“Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.
Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.”

“I don't want unnecessary violence, sergeant," said Blouse.
"Right you are, sir!" said the sergeant. "Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin', I want him nailed to the wall!" He caught the lieutenant's eye, and added: "But not too hard!”

“This wasn't food - it was what food became if it had been good and gone to food heaven.”

“People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else.”

“When she spoke again it was in the thin, careful and above all brave voice of someone who has pulled themselves together despite overwhelming odds but might let go again at any moment.”

“Writing is the most fun you can have by yourself.”

“If you do not know where you come from, then you don't know where you are, and if you don't know where you are, then you don't know where you're going. And if you don't know where you're going, you're probably going wrong.”

“Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity.”

“OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT MAKES A NOISE, said Death. OTHERWISE, WHAT IS 4:30 A. M. FOR?”

“Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it…”

“If you don't know when to be a human being, you don't know when to be a witch.”

“Strength enough to build a home,
Time enough to hold a child,
Love enough to break a heart”

“There’s no point in believing in things that exist.”

“I’ve seen excitement, and I’ve seen boredom. And boredom was best.”

“It was like being in a Jane Austen novel, but one with far less clothing.”

“Granny sighed. "You have learned something," she said, and thought it safe to insert a touch of sternness into her voice. "They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it is not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.”

“I know that I am a small, weak man, but I have amassed a large library; I dream of dangerous places.”

“She was convinced that she was anorexic, because every time she looked in the mirror she did indeed see a fat person.”

“The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.”

“When you look into the abyss, it’s not supposed to wave back.”

“… the food was good solid stuff for a cold morning, all calories and fat and protein and maybe a vitamin crying softly because it was all alone.”

“Witches were a bit like cats. They didn’t much like one another’s company, but they did like to know where all the other witches were, just in case they needed them.”

“That's one form of magic, of course."
"What, just knowing things?"
"Knowing things that other people don't know.”

“Ah," said Mr Pin. "Right. I remember. You are concerned citizens." He knew about concerned citizens. Wherever they were, they all spoke the same private language, where 'traditional values' meant 'hang someone'.”

“And what had he wanted? He'd never sat down to think about it. But mostly, he wanted yesterday to be different from today.”

“The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.”

“Never cross a woman with a star on a stick, young lady. They've got a mean streak.”

“You had to hand it to the Patrician, he admitted grudgingly. If you didn't, he sent men to come and take it away.”