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Richard Jeni Quotes

Richard John Colangelo , better known by the stage name of Richard Jeni, was an American stand-up comedian and actor. Wikipedia  

✵ 14. April 1957 – 10. March 2007
Richard Jeni: 13 quotes0 likes

Famous Richard Jeni Quotes

“Making this crowd happy is the second easiest job you could ever have. First easiest… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt." How hard can that be? I don't even have a law degree and I think I could get Michael Jackson, y'know? I would just go, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury… there he is! That's all I have. Y'all get a good look at my boy? See if you think he's capable of anything out of the ordinary. There he is." But it's a tough thing to prosecute Michael Jackson, y'know? Because everyone's entitled to a jury of their peers! You could run the vacuum up and down the gene pool 24/7 without suckin' up this much of whatever that has become. He has no peers. He's peerless. So why am I pickin' on poor little mutated Michael Jackson? Because Michael Jackson is a cautionary tale for the rest of us, folks. Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!”

Richard Jeni

A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me

“There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans… weighs as much as the other two.”

Richard Jeni

A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me

“If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine… look into that second, less painful career.”

Richard Jeni

Platypus Man

“A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.”

Richard Jeni

On the right wing
A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me

“They should just call it The Bad News. The bloodiest, most disgusting things that happened today packed into a half an hour, right before you go to bed. You thought you were scared before…”

Richard Jeni

Platypus Man

Richard Jeni Quotes about people

“I don't get that -- people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.”

Richard Jeni

CC Presents: Richard Jeni, aired 5 May 2002 http://www.comedycentral.com/video-clips/6kmgg7/comedy-central-presents-brought-up-catholic. <br class="br">Comedy Central Presents (2002)

“Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!”

Richard Jeni

A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me

“A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.”

Richard Jeni

On the left wing
A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me

Richard Jeni Quotes

“Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it.”

Richard Jeni

A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me

“This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to My head.”

Richard Jeni

On an elderly man in the front row who had fallen asleep.
A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me

“The title of this movie should be "Here's a Fish. You're Stupid."”

Richard Jeni

On Jaws 4: The Revenge
Showtime Triple Crowns of Comedy

“An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.”

Richard Jeni

Referring to "Platypus Man"
Platypus Man

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