“[On paying the toll at the Severn Bridge] It's worth £5.40 to have that moment where you stop, then you come through and there are no lanes! It takes a very strange sort of man who doesn't go: 'The race is on! Come on, woohoo! First one to the lanes!! Order, order, back in order OK but I had fun while it lasted.”Michael McIntyre The Comedy Roadshow
“Scottish Guy heckled… "You're a bastard, Michael." … Oh I might not be, but I know that's the first word of a newborn Scottish baby!”Michael McIntyre
“[about travelling by train]"Please let the passengers off the train first." British people have an amazing ability to let people off a train whilst at all times, moving forwards.”Michael McIntyre Live at the Apollo (November 26, 2007)