Garrison Keillor Quotes (61 quotes) | Quotes of famous people

Works

Lake Wobegon Days

Garrison Keillor

We Are Still Married: Stories & Letters

Garrison Keillor

Leaving Home: A Collection of Lake Wobegon Stories

Garrison Keillor

Garrison Keillor: 61 quotes 1 like

Famous Garrison Keillor Quotes

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”

Garrison Keillor

As quoted in The Cat Lover's Book of Fascinating Facts : A Felicitous Look at Felines‎ (1997) by Ed Lucaire

“A book is a gift you can open again and again.”

Garrison Keillor

Attributed to Keillor in The Miracle of Language‎ (1999) by Richard Lederer, p. 149, this statement also appears in What‎? (1988) by Ronald Silliman, p. 28:
A book is a gift you can open again and again especially when you're writing it yourself.
Disputed

“I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.”

Garrison Keillor

“Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic.”

Garrison Keillor

Source: Life Among the Lutherans

“I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.”

Garrison Keillor

As quoted in Precision Shooting : The Trapshooter's Bible‎ (1998) by James Russell, p. 54
Variant: Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye, and deny it.

“Know the quiet place within your heart and touch the rainbow of possibility; be alive to the gentle breeze of communication, and please stop being such a jerk.”

Garrison Keillor

Source: The Book of Guys

Garrison Keillor Quotes about life

“Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.”

Garrison Keillor

Source: Leaving Home‎ (1987), p. 9
Context: Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won't feel so thankful then.

“It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.”

Garrison Keillor

“The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P. M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.”

Garrison Keillor

“We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.”

Garrison Keillor

“One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life….”

Garrison Keillor

“I want to resume the life of a shy person.”

Garrison Keillor

Announcing he was leaving the show, the first run ending in June 1987 (14 February 1987)
A Prairie Home Companion

Garrison Keillor Quotes about people

“Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.”

Garrison Keillor book We Are Still Married: Stories & Letters

Source: We Are Still Married: Stories & Letters

“Librarians, Dusty, possess a vast store of politeness. These are people who get asked regularly the dumbest questions on God's green earth. These people tolerate every kind of crank and eccentric and mouth-breather there is.”

Garrison Keillor

"Cowboy Librarians" (13 December 1997)
A Prairie Home Companion
Source: Dusty and Lefty: The Lives of the Cowboys

“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.”

Garrison Keillor

Source: Good Poems for Hard Times

“One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.”

Garrison Keillor

“The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks, Lamborghini libertarians, people who believe Neil Armstrong's moonwalk was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the rest of us, Newt's evil spawn and their Etch-A-Sketch president, a dull and rigid man suspicious of the free flow of information and of secular institutions, whose philosophy is a jumble of badly sutured body parts trying to walk.”

Garrison Keillor

" "We're Not in Lake Wobegon Anymore" In These Times (26 August 2004) http://www.inthesetimes.com/site/main/article/979/

“Minnesota is a state of public-spirited and polite people, where you can get a good cappucino and eat Thai food and find any book you want and yet live on a quiet tree-lined street with a backyard and send your kids to public school. When a state this good hits the jackpot, it can only be an inspiration to everybody.”

Garrison Keillor

"Minnesota's Sensible Plan, TIME (11 September 1995)

Garrison Keillor: Trending quotes

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”

Garrison Keillor

Though Keillor has been quoted on the internet and in print as having made this or a similar remark, such expressions have been made by others, and may have originated with Billy Sunday, who is quoted as having said "Going to church on Sunday does not make you a Christian any more than going into a garage makes you an automobile!" in Press, Radio, Television, Periodicals, Public Relations, and Advertising, As Seen through Institutes and Special Occasions of the Henry W. Grady School of Journalism (1967) edited by John Eldridge Drewry.
Disputed
Variant: Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Cars , Thinking

“We made our mistakes back in the 20th century, Lord knows, but we never nominated a man for president who brags about not reading.”

Garrison Keillor

"Garrison Keillor: God help us. We’re in trouble down here." in The Washington Post (26 July 2016)
Context: We made our mistakes back in the 20th century, Lord knows, but we never nominated a man for president who brags about not reading. Calvin Coolidge had his limits. Warren G. Harding spent more time on his hair than strictly necessary. Lyndon Baines Johnson was a piece of work. But all of them read books. When I envision a Trump Presidential Library, I see enormous chandeliers and gold carpet and a thousand slot machines. God help us. I mean it. We’re in trouble down here.

Reading

“Gentleness is everywhere in daily life, a sign that faith rules through ordinary things: through cooking and small talk, through storytelling, making love, fishing, tending animals and sweet corn and flowers, through sports, music and books, raising kids — all the places where the gravy soaks in and grace shines through.”

Garrison Keillor

We Are Still Married : Stories & Letters (1989),, "The Meaning of Life", p. 217 
Context: To know and to serve God, of course, is why we're here, a clear truth, that, like the nose on your face, is near at hand and easily discernible but can make you dizzy if you try to focus on it hard. But a little faith will see you through. What else will do except faith in such a cynical, corrupt time? When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word. What is the last word, then? Gentleness is everywhere in daily life, a sign that faith rules through ordinary things: through cooking and small talk, through storytelling, making love, fishing, tending animals and sweet corn and flowers, through sports, music and books, raising kids — all the places where the gravy soaks in and grace shines through. Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

Love , Life , Books , Making love

Garrison Keillor Quotes

“Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.”

Garrison Keillor

Source: Leaving Home‎ (1987), p. 20

Children

“When in doubt, look intelligent.”

Garrison Keillor

Intelligence

“You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.”

Garrison Keillor

Source: Pontoon

“A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about.”

Garrison Keillor

Girl , Coffee , Thinking

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

Garrison Keillor

Source: Leaving Home‎ (1987), p. 184

Christmas , Love , Christmas

“A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.”

Garrison Keillor

"Post to the Host" (July 2005) http://www.publicradio.org/columns/prairiehome/posthost/2005/07/
Context: Journalism is a good place for any writer to start — the retailing of fact is always a useful trade and can it help you learn to appreciate the declarative sentence. A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.

“Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.”

Garrison Keillor

Source: Pontoon

Question , Sleep

“God writes a lot of comedy, Donna; the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.”

Garrison Keillor

Happy to be Here (1983), p. 259
Source: Happy to Be Here

God

“That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”

Garrison Keillor

See also the Wikipedia article on the Lake Wobegon effect.
A Prairie Home Companion, News from Lake Wobegon

Women , Men , Children , Strong

“Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it.”

Garrison Keillor

Life , Beauty

“Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.”

Garrison Keillor

Lake Wobegon Days (1985), p. 337
Source: Lake Wobegon U.S.A.

Motivational , Deep , Success , Inspirational

“Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.”

Garrison Keillor

Intelligence

“Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.”

Garrison Keillor

Trademarked closing lines in The Writer's Almanac http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/
Source: Good Poems

Goodbye

“Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.”

Garrison Keillor

Sex

“I think the most un-American thing you can say is, “You can't say that.””

Garrison Keillor

As quoted in The Nastiest Things Ever Said About Democrats (2006) by Martin Higgins, p. 171, and The Nastiest Things Ever Said About Republicans (2006) by Martin Higgins, p. 204

Thinking

“It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.”

Garrison Keillor

Evil

“When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.”

Garrison Keillor

Source: Homegrown Democrat: A Few Plain Thoughts from the Heart of America

War , School , Communication

“If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?”

Garrison Keillor book Lake Wobegon Days

Source: Lake Wobegon Days

Box

“The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose.”

Garrison Keillor

Family , Food , Childhood

“Selective ignorance, a cornerstone of child rearing. You don't put kids under surveillance: it might frighten you. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a noble and benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze.”

Garrison Keillor book Leaving Home: A Collection of Lake Wobegon Stories

Leaving Home‎ (1987), p. 19
Source: Leaving Home: A Collection of Lake Wobegon Stories

Parent

“Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor”

Garrison Keillor

Beauty , Thinking

“In electronic publishing, they're are no editors and if their are there not very good.”

Garrison Keillor

"Five Columns", in The Keillor Reader (2014), p. 257

“Lake Wobegon, where smart doesn't count for so much. A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.”

Garrison Keillor book Lake Wobegon Days

Lake Wobegon Days (1985), p. 355

Home , Time , Reading

“There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.”

Garrison Keillor

"The Old Scout" in The Writer's Almanac (4 October 2005)

Problem , Help , Clothes

“Cherish the Minnesota State Fair. Wherever you find beauty and simplicity and truth, know that there is a committee somewhere planning to improve it --- don't let them do it.”

Garrison Keillor

University of Minnesota Alumni Association (UMAA) Annual Meeting Keynote Speech (29 April 1992) UMAA 199204 to 199306 Meeting Minutes http://conservancy.umn.edu/bitstream/48842/1/199204-199306.pdf

Truth , Beauty

“The word “loser” is spoken with such contempt these days, a man might like to forget the losses in his own life that taught him something about good judgment. The money he invested in that casino in Atlantic City that went bust, the university course he enrolled in that promised to teach him the secrets of success but instead he wound up unemployed and 40 grand in debt, the candidate whose hat he wore who turned out to be tone-deaf and deluded — dumb, dumb, dumb, and yet his loved ones did not chortle and point and do the nyaa-nyaa. They put an arm around him and said, “This is how we learn.””

Garrison Keillor

And it is.
"Garrison Keillor: God help us. We’re in trouble down here." in The Washington Post (26 July 2016) https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/god-help-us-were-in-trouble-down-here/2016/07/26/989cde08-535d-11e6-b7de-dfe509430c39_story.html

Love , Life , Money , Secret

“It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.”

Garrison Keillor

As quoted in Simpson's Contemporary Quotations‎ (1988) by James Beasley Simpson, p. 211

“Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.”

Garrison Keillor

"When I'm 64" Salon.com (8 August 2006) http://www.salon.com/2006/08/09/keillor_52/

“If the government can round up someone and never be required to explain why, then it's no longer the United States of America as you and I always understood it. Our enemies have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. They have made us become like them.”

Garrison Keillor

"Congress's Shameful Retreat From American Values" in The Chicago Tribune (4 October 2006)

Dreams

“To many Americans, whose only knowledge of the North Star State is that it is intensely cold and populated by Swedes and Holsteins, it will come as a surprise to wake up one morning in 2004 and read in the newspaper, "Half of U. S. Economy Now in Hands of Minnesota."”

Garrison Keillor

"Minnesota's Sensible Plan, TIME (11 September 1995) http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/features/deskofgk/950911_time.shtml

Star , Knowledge , Reading

“The funniest line in English is “Get it?” When you say that, everyone chortles.”

Garrison Keillor

We Are Still Married : Stories & Letters (1989), p. xvi

“Well, they're taking kids out of the country and sending them over there, National Guard kids and Army Reserve. They're sending kids who are barely prepared for this, and they're sending them over there to kill people, which is a serious thing. And to kill not terrorists, but to kill insurgents. I sort of find myself in agreement, uncomfortably, with Patrick Buchanan, who writes about this in his book, Where The Right Went Wrong. And writes that great powers, the way they skidded off the road, was getting involved in wars. That it's the role of great powers to stay out of wars.”

Garrison Keillor

Real Time with Bill Maher (15 October 2004)

War , People , Books , Way

“It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, my home town, out on the edge of the prairie…”

Garrison Keillor

A Prairie Home Companion, News from Lake Wobegon

Home

“None of the men and women who voted for this bill has any right to speak in public about the rule of law anymore, or to take a high moral view of the Third Reich, or to wax poetic about the American Idea.”

Garrison Keillor

Referring to the Military Commissions Act of 2006, in "Congress's Shameful Retreat From American Values" in The Chicago Tribune (4 October 2006) http://www.truthout.org/article/garrison-keillor-congresss-shameful-retreat-from-american-values

Women , Men , Law , Idea

“I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world for all of us.”

Garrison Keillor book Lake Wobegon Days

Lake Wobegon Days (1986), p. 138

World , Thinking , Time

“Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see, say, thirty cans of tomato sauce and a five-pound bag of rice, I get a little thrill of well-being — much more so than if I take a look at the quarterly dividend report from my mutual fund.”

Garrison Keillor

As quoted in The Times Book of Quotations (2000), p. 384

Wealth

“One day Donald Trump discovers that he is owned, lock, stock, and roulette wheel, by Lutheran Brotherhood, and must renegotiate his debt load with a committee of silent Norwegians who don't understand why anyone would pay more than $120 for a suit.”

Garrison Keillor

"Minnesota's Sensible Plan, TIME (11 September 1995)