Dorothy Parker Quotes

“Drink and dance and laugh and lie,
Love, the reeling midnight through,
For tomorrow we shall die!
(But, alas, we never do.)”

“In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.”

“Two things made The Dice of the Gods, another play about drugs, seem much better than it had any real right to seem. One was that Morphia had come first, and once you had seen Morphia, nothing seemd so very terrible to you. p. 375”

“Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life.”

“Don't look at me in that tone of voice.”

“The sun's gone dim, and the moon's gone black. For I loved him, and he didn't love back.”

“Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.”

“Once, when I was young and true.
Someone left me sad -
Broke my brittle heart in two;
And that is very bad.

Love is for unlucky folk,
Love is but a curse.
Once there was a heart I broke;
And that, I think, is worse.”

“I was always sweet, at first. Oh, it's so easy to be sweet to people before you love them.”

“Woman wants monogamy;
Man delights in novelty.
Love is woman's moon and sun;
Man has other forms of fun.
Woman lives but in her lord;
Count to ten, and man is bored.
With this the gist and sum of it,
What earthly good can come of it?”

“I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

“I shudder at the thought of men….
I'm due to fall in love again”

“Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”

“By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing.
And he vows his passion is,
Infinite, undying.
Lady make note of this --
One of you is lying.”

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.”

“Too fucking busy, and vice versa.”

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”

“I hate writing, I love having written.”

“I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.”

“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
After four I’m under my host.”

“What fresh hell is this?”

“If I didn't care for fun and such,
I'd probably amount to much.
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.”

“Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”

“You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.”

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say No in any of them.”

“I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.”

“And if my heart be scarred and burned,
The safer, I, for all I learned.”

“She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go.”

“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.”

“If wild my breast and sore my pride,
I bask in dreams of suicide,
If cool my heart and high my head
I think 'How lucky are the dead.”

“I'm never going to accomplish anything; that's perfectly clear to me.”

“Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.”

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

“There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.”

“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.”

“I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.”

“Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.”

“Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded
wheelchair.”

“Women and elephants never forget.”

“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it and it darts away.”

“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”

“But I don't give up; I forget why not.”

“I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money.”

“A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.”

“I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things.”

“Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

A: You can't hear an enzyme.”

“You think You're frightening me with Your hell, don't You? You think Your hell is worse than mine.”

“Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.”

“His voice was as intimate as the rustle of sheets.”

“There was nothing separate about her days. Like drops on the window-pane, they ran together and trickled away.”

“If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.”

“I like best to have one book in my hand, and a stack of others on the floor beside me, so as to know the supply of poppy and mandragora will not run out before the small hours.”

“You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.”

“She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”

“Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.”

“Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.”