Ambrose Bierce Quotes

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“Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.”

“To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.”

“There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.”

“Advice, n. The smallest current coin.”

“Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.”

“Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.”

“Absent, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.”

“Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.”

“The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.”

“Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.”

“Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.”

“Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.”

“Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.”

“Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.”

“Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.”

“To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.”

“Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.”

“Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.”

“Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.”

“The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.”

“Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested”

“Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would abolish evil!”

“If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.”

“This is a simple story of a battle; such a tale as may be told by a soldier who is no writer to a reader who is no soldier.”

“Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both — as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man.”

“Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest.”

“To the eye of failure success is an accident.”

“Backbite, v. t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.”

“The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of remarkable Christian forbearance among men--were it not for a mawkish humanitarianism, coupled with imperfect digestive powers, we should devour our young, as Nature intended.”

“Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style.”

“Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions.”

“Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.”

“The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another.”

“The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect.”

“A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other links.”

“Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.”

“Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.”

“Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.”

“Freemasons, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucius, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids — always by a Freemason.”

“Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.”

“When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or doctrine go upward.”

“Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.”

“In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.”

“Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.”

“Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. ”

“Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.”

“When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had.”

“We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.”

“Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.”