Ambrose Bierce Quotes

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“Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.”

“Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.”

“O proud philanthropist, your hope is vain
To get by giving what you lost by gain.”

“Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.”

“Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.”

“The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen.
"I did not know that I was a virtue," she said. "Why did you not choose Innocence?"
"Because of her ignorance," they replied. "She knows nothing but that she is a virtue."”

“Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.”

“Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.”

“Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.”

“Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.”

“Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.”

“Study Herod, madame, study Herod.”

“A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.”

“Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.”

“Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense”

“Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.”

“True, more than a half of the green graves in the Grafton cemetery are marked "Unknown," and sometimes it occurs that one thinks of the contradiction involved in "honoring the memory" of him of whom no memory remains to honor; but the attempt seems to do no great harm to the living, even to the logical.”

“While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor guide.”

“Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.”

“"There's no free will," says the philosopher; "To hang is most unjust."
"There is no free will," assents the officer; "We hang because we must."”

“Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, and then sets up as a fountain.”

“Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.”

“Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.”

“Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names.”

“White, adj. and n. Black.”

“Hers, pron. His.”

“Accord, n. Harmony.”

“Once, adj. Enough.”

“When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register. ”

“Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.”

“Forgetfulness, A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.”

“Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous”