Ambrose Bierce Quotes

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“Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.”

“Alliance - In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.”

“Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.”

“DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.”

“ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.”

“Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.”

“TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.”

“God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past.”

“Peace in international affairs: a period of cheating between periods of fighting”

“Fear has no brains; it is an idiot. The dismal witness that it bears and the cowardly counsel that it whispers are unrelated.”

“Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.”

“I was born to poor because of honest parents.”

“Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.”

“Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.”

“DOG: A kind of additional or subsidiary Diety designed to catch the overflow or surplus of the world's worship.”

“Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.”

“FUTURE, n.
That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.”

“LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.”

“Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited.”

“Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.”

“Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.”

“Liberty, n. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.”

“To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil.”

“Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amok by hamstringing it.”

“Riven and torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded bunches of splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound interlacing with those below.”

“Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.”

“Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.”

“Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.”

“Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.”

“Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.”

“Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.”

“Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”

“The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It will probably rain "—that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain"—that is natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists because so great is his humility that he does not think it important that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to make us forget him.”

“Alone, adj. In bad company.”

“Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.”

“The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.”

“Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.”

“The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.”

“If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.”

“Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.”

“Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment.”

“Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.”

“Mark how my fame rings out from zone to zone:
A thousand critics shouting: "He's unknown!"”

“Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.”

“Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.”

“Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one--the knowledge and the dream.”

“Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.”

“Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.”

“Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.”