“When I was doing a book tour in Japan for Why Men Are The Way They Are, I was told of an institution called the snack. The snack works like this: A man is coming home from work, and has had a bad day. He doesn’t feel that his wife wants to hear about it, so he pays between $50 and $80 for a snack —a sandwich and a drink and an attractive woman who will listen empathetically to him—sort of a beautiful psychologist with refreshments. No men need apply.”

“When I was working a man asked me "Why does a fellow like you, with an education, and who has been all over the country, end up in this out-of-the-way place working for very little on a farm?" I explained that all people who had good jobs in factories, etc. had a withholding tax for war taken from their pay, and that people who worked on farms had no tax taken from their pay. I told him that I refused to pay taxes. He was a returned soldier and said that he did not like war either, but what could a fellow do about it? I replied that we each did what we really wanted to.”

“I don’t see why someone should lose their life just so you can have a snack.”

“I believe in a benevolent God not because He created the Grand Canyon or Michelangelo, but because He gave us snacks.”

“And what about the piranhas?”
“I doubt the fishies’ll snack on anything critical.” He leaned in to murmur at her ear, “They only go for small prey.”

“Everyone I know is looking for solace, hope and a tasty snack.”

“The thing about plummetting downhill at fifty miles an hour on a snack platter - if you realize it's a bad idea when you're halfway down, it's too late.”

“I want to become a sweet wife, like when my husband comes back home from work, I want to encourage him kindly and warmly.”

“I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

“Sometimes is just, you know… insulting.
- It's all sex with you, isn't it?
- No, no, it's not… No, I resent that! Sometimes I want a snack… during.”