“Who is this man taking a crap in my bathroom!?”

“"Oh my god!" Hillary is standing in the doorway of the bathroom of the bathroom which on one had is surprising but there's the other hand, too.”

“And me I'm in the bathroom
crying out my eyelids because it's hard to be a man
when you're scared, just like a little kid.”

“And no bathroom on earth will make up for marrying a bearded man you hate.”

“I know, these Hindi movies are crap, but they do kind of take your mind away from the crap of real life like nothing else.”

“Of all the crap, crap, crappy nights I've ever had in the whole of my crap life. On a scale of one to 10, we're talking… a minus 6. And it's not like I even have very high standards.”

“A man who marries at my age isn’t taking a wife, he’s indenturing a nurse.”

“Holy Crap,' Carolli said. 'You shot Jesus. That's gonna take a lot of Hail Marys.”

“The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.”

“But I've swallowed my pride before, that's for sure. I'm practically lined with my mistakes on the inside like a bad-wallpapered bathroom.”