“Not fat, just not anorexic. She's soft in all the right places.”
Source: Heart of the Dragon
Pranks to try on people in the hospital! http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=jokes
The Best Page in the Universe
“Not fat, just not anorexic. She's soft in all the right places.”
Source: Heart of the Dragon
Source: Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
“Whenever you interview fat people, you feel bad, because you know you're not going to hire them.”
As quoted in "Nobel Winner's Theories Raise Uproar in Berkeley", by Tom Abate, San Francisco Chronicle (13 November 2000) http://www.sfgate.com/science/article/Nobel-Winner-s-Theories-Raise-Uproar-in-Berkeley-3236584.php
Excerpt from 2017 Personality Lecture 21. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9U5IHQWSZc
Personality Lectures
“If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh; otherwise they'll kill you.”
Credited to Shaw in the lead in to the mockumentary C.S.A.: The Confederate States of America (2004) and other recent works, but this or slight variants of it are also sometimes attributed to W. C. Fields, Charlie Chaplin, and Oscar Wilde. It might possibly be derived from Shaw's statement in John Bull's Other Island (1907): "My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world."
Another possibility is that it is derived from Shaw's characteristic of Mark Twain: "He has to put things in such a way as to make people who would otherwise hang him believe he is joking."
Variants:
If you are going to tell people the truth, you'd better make them laugh. Otherwise, they'll kill you.
If you're going to tell people the truth, you'd better make them laugh. Otherwise, they'll kill you.
Disputed
“As for me, when you want a good laugh, you will find me in fine state… fat and sleek, a true hog of Epicurus' herd.”
Me pinguem et nitidum bene curata cute vises,
cum ridere voles Epicuri de grege porcum.
Book I, epistle iv, lines 15–16
Epistles (c. 20 BC and 14 BC)
“I'm fat because I'm greedy, and if my mind is fat it's because I'm curious.”