“I always say to young people, you can have the best script, be the funniest man, but if they don't laugh — you're not a comedian.”

“When you're young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you're laughing again.”

“And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”

“I am not a comic, I have never told a joke… The comedian's promise is that he will go out there and make you laugh with him… My only promise is that I will try to entertain you as best I can…. They say, 'Oh wow, Andy Kaufman, he's a really funny guy.' But I'm not trying to be funny. I just want to play with their heads.”

“I think a comedian's job isn't just to make people laugh. I think it's to make people think.”

“The hardest thing about being famous is that people are always nice to you. You're in a conversation and everybody's agreeing with what you're saying—even if you say something totally crazy. You need people who can tell you what you don't want to hear.”

“This is how it works —
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.”

“Clarabelle laughed like she'd just heard the funniest thing ever. "Of course you HOPE you won't die, Valkyrie! Who would HOPE to die? That's just SILLY! But you probably WILL die, that's what I'm saying. Don't you think so?”

“In my mind, I'm always the best. I don't care what people think, what they say. In my mind, not just this year but always, I'm always the best.”

“Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.”