Zach Galifianakis Quotes

“Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets.”

“This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"”

“Did you ever wake up with an erection…and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"”

“At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?”

“My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing.”

“I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.”

“Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right.”

“I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.”

“When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.”

“I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis.”

“I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name.”

“I once played charades with a couple that was deaf….. they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business.”

“I call my balls the bush twins.”

“The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.”

“I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.”

“That was some really great "fatcting."”

“Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something."”

“The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble…because it's worth a shitload of points.”

“I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.”

“If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly… well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike…”

“I'm going to do all new, fresh material…you guys been keeping up with this O. J. thing?”

“You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman).”

“Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker…. 36.63.”