Nicole Hollander: Trending quotes (page 4)

“(Devil describes Hell) It's like you go to a Van Halen concert and you're the oldest one there, and there's a mix-up in the tickets, and you have to stand for the whole thing and it's hot and the kid next to you loses his lunch on your shoe.... I know.”

“(Sylvia) A mature person doesn’t scream at her waiter: “Don’t tell me your name and don’t put anything freshly ground on my salad!””

“(Television) We are aggressively striking the terrorists in Iraq, defeating them there so that we will not have to face them in our own country. (Sylvia) Oh, good. So once we get rid of those, there won't be any more.”

“(Man in bar) I have the right to bear arms. It's in the Constitution. (Sylvia) I'm in complete agreement. I'd like to see a lot more women carry guns. [Pause] Cat got your tongue?”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) Common misunderstandings of young married couples. (Young husband to tearful wife) Jeannie, when I said that your dinner tasted like airplane food, that was meant as a compliment.”

“(Sylvia) Rita! Is Bush still president? (Rita) Ma, I didn't want to tell you…You seemed so happy.”

“(Sylvia’s answering machine) Hi, at the sound of the beep please tell me what you like best about me.”

“(Sylvia to her daughter) Rita, your body may be a temple. Mine is a Chevy Vega.”

“(The Woman Who Does Everything Better Than You) …it's a worse shock to lose one of your five homes than it is to lose your only home. I'm sure psychologists will back me up on this.”

“(Television) Women hold up half the sky. (Sylvia) Uh huh, but in a poor neighborhood.”

“(Man in bar) The kind of woman I want just isn't around anymore. (Sylvia) Perhaps if you wait for a full moon.”

“(Telephone) Hi, this is Sylvia's opinion hotline…. How fair are you? Would you support laws mandating discrimination in hiring, housing, and employment against anyone who lacked a sense of humor, knowing that these laws would impact most heavily on fundamentalists?”

“(Second Bad Girl) Women who form relationships with murderers [in prison]. I don't get it. (First bad girl) Well, you know where they are at nights. (Second bad girl) At least, they're not lying on your couch watching TV.”

“(Woman to psychic) Which do you think is the more impossible dream: the perfect man or the perfect handbag?”

“(Cat) In 1989, I resolve to develop a longer attention…”

“Woman to Devil) I want to refinance my soul. (Devil) You’re going to take a bath on points. (p.78”

“(Pilot’s voice on airplane public address system) Geez, I’m sorry about that landing.... Why don’t I just go up and try again?”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) For feminine protection, every day use a hand grenade.”

“(Television) Spray and wash gets out what America gets into. (Sylvia) Send some to El Salvador.”