Mitch Hedberg: Trending quotes

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Mitch Hedberg: 202 quotes4 likes

“Audience Member: Hey Mitch, I got something to put in that pipe for ya!”

Mitch Hedberg: Oh, I bet you do! Only don't think about the fact that there might be police around! What have you got there, we... dope? You fucking doper? [beat] Arrest that dude!!
Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!"”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“This shirt is "dry-clean only"… Which means it's dirty.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist… Alright.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”

Mitch Hedberg

track 11, "Three Easy Payments"
Mitch All Together (2003)

“If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"”

Mitch Hedberg

track 2, "Sandwiches"
Mitch All Together (2003)

“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let's form a club then. Alright, but we need more stipulations. Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad. Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for 'em! Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide. I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts. Well then you're not in the fuckin' club!”

Mitch Hedberg

track 2, "Sandwiches"
Mitch All Together (2003)

“I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it…and he's always on time.”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man… People on the 14th Floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!".”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are 2 trees involved. They said "Let's call this hotel 'Something Tree'". So they had a meeting, it was… It was quite short. "How 'bout 'Tree'?" "No." "'Double Tree'?" "Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'" "Well, we were almost there!”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

“I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?"”

Mitch Hedberg

"As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"
Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002