Mark Twain Quotes
“All right, then, I'll go to hell.”
Source: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
“Only the scum of the population do it”
As quoted in Roughing It http://www.friesian.com/quotes.htm (1872).
Roughing It (1872)
Context: No California gentleman or lady ever abuses or oppresses a Chinaman, under any circumstances, an explanation that seems to be much needed in the east. Only the scum of the population do it; they and their children. They, and, naturally and consistently, the policemen and politicians, likewise, for these are the dust-licking pimps and slaves of the scum, there as well as elsewhere in America.
“Murder is sometimes punished, free speech always”
"The Privilege of the Grave" (1905)
Context: As an active privilege, [free speech] ranks with the privilege of committing murder: we may exercise it if we are willing to take the consequences. Murder is forbidden both in form and in fact; free speech is granted in form but forbidden in fact. By the common estimate both are crimes, and are held in deep odium by all civilized peoples. Murder is sometimes punished, free speech always.
“Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.”
Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, Ch. XXVII
Following the Equator (1897)
“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.”
Letter to an Unidentified Person (1908)
“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”
Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, Ch. LXI
Following the Equator (1897)
Source: Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World
“It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.”
Variant: It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.
“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”
Source: Pudd'nhead Wilson
Autobiographical Dictation (1906).
Variant: The only reason why God created man is because he was disappointed with the monkey.
“Be good and you will be lonesome.”
Variant: Be good and you will be lonely.
Source: Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World
“Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”
Variant: Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Source: Pudd'nhead Wilson
“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.”
Source: Life on the Mississippi
In revised edition, Vol. I, "Friday, January 19, 1906, About Dueling.", p. 298, The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 1959, Charles Neider, Harper & Row
Mark Twain's Autobiography (1924)
“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”
Variant: The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Notice
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885)
Source: The Adventures of Huck Finn
“Politicians are like diapers: they should be changed often, and for the same reason”
Not found in Twain's works.
A 1993 newspaper humor column attributes this saying to Reader's Digest: "Picking it up from a Reader's Digest fan, Willie, our ex-shoe shine boy, says some politicians are like diapers. They both need changed often ... and for the same reason."
Also attributed to Reader's Digest in Naomi Judd's 1993 book Love Can Build a Bridge https://books.google.com/books?id=AMmrqZkq3JQC&pg=PA262&dq=%22politicians+are+like+diapers%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiQ2obup6LKAhUBS2MKHfacCmsQ6AEIITAB#v=onepage&q=%22politicians%20are%20like%20diapers%22&f=false: 'A quip I once saw in Reader's Digest said: "Most politicians are like diapers: they should be changed often, and for the same reason!"'.
Not found attributed to Twain until 2010 https://books.google.com/books?id=gNwqfJkXjVsC&pg=PA448&dq=%22politicians+are+like+diapers%22+twain&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjUq_C6qaLKAhVM7GMKHTuwAfIQ6AEIIzAB#v=onepage&q=%22politicians%20are%20like%20diapers%22%20twain&f=false
Misattributed
Variant: Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason
Source: Bill Hastings, "Books, Bricks, Nap's, Tom, , Tres, Tracy ..." https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/14184165/, Indiana Gazette, 1993-09-10, p. 11
“Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.”
Part VI: "Two Fragments from a Suppressed Book Called 'Glances at History' or 'Outlines of History' ".
Papers of the Adams Family (1939)
Variant: Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.
Context: In a monarchy, the king and his family are the country; in a republic it is the common voice of the people. Each of you, for himself, by himself and on his own responsibility, must speak. And it is a solemn and weighty responsibility, and not lightly to be flung aside at the bullying of pulpit, press, government, or the empty catch-phrases of politicians. Each must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, and which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide it against your convictions is to be an unqualified and inexcusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let men label you as they may. If you alone of all the nation shall decide one way, and that way be the right way according to your convictions of the right, you have done your duty by yourself and by your country — hold up your head! You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Only when a republic's life is in danger should a man uphold his government when it is in the wrong. There is no other time.
This Republic's life is not in peril. The nation has sold its honor for a phrase. It has swung itself loose from its safe anchorage and is drifting, its helm is in pirate hands.
Source: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Part VI: "Two Fragments from a Suppressed Book Called 'Glances at History' or 'Outlines of History' ".
Papers of the Adams Family (1939)
Context: Against our traditions we are now entering upon an unjust and trivial war, a war against a helpless people, and for a base object — robbery. At first our citizens spoke out against this thing, by an impulse natural to their training. Today they have turned, and their voice is the other way. What caused the change? Merely a politician's trick — a high-sounding phrase, a blood-stirring phrase which turned their uncritical heads: Our Country, right or wrong! An empty phrase, a silly phrase. It was shouted by every newspaper, it was thundered from the pulpit, the Superintendent of Public Instruction placarded it in every schoolhouse in the land, the War Department inscribed it upon the flag. And every man who failed to shout it or who was silent, was proclaimed a traitor — none but those others were patriots. To be a patriot, one had to say, and keep on saying, "Our Country, right or wrong," and urge on the little war. Have you not perceived that that phrase is an insult to the nation?
For in a republic, who is "the Country"? Is it the Government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the Government is merely a servant — merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. Who, then, is "the country?" Is it the newspaper? Is it the pulpit? Is it the school-superintendent? Why, these are mere parts of the country, not the whole of it; they have not command, they have only their little share in the command. They are but one in the thousand; it is in the thousand that command is lodged; they must determine what is right and what is wrong; they must decide who is a patriot and who isn’t.
Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, Ch. XX
Following the Equator (1897)
Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, Ch. V
Following the Equator (1897)
