Jerry Seinfeld: Trending quotes

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Jerry Seinfeld: 104 quotes8 likes

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

"Confessions of an unromantic man," Redbook magazine, Vol. 176, Iss. 4, (Feb 1991): 62.

“And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.”

Source: Halloween

“I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

“What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”

“I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!”

“When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.”

“Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.”

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)
Context: What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there aren't many job interviews where there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the right man for the job; why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"

“You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day”

“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”

“Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we'll do whatever we have to…. To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear."”

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, "I would like to order the Ginsu Knife."”

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.”

"Jerry Seinfeld, Online Force", in The New York Times (27 May 2015) http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/31/arts/television/jerry-seinfeld-online-force.html

“The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, "Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge!" Once you put that helmet on them, "You're in the luge, buddy!" "aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA… aaaAAAAA…" World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.”

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“Why is McDonald's still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion…who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? "Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied!" I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonald's, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonald's: We're Doing Very Well.'”

We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."
I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.”

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“Men and women will never understand each other; my advice is to just stop trying. Just forget it. I know I will never understand women. I will never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root…and still be afraid of a spider.”

I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)

“To me, America used to be a place that made steel, and cars, and had giant department stores. Now, basically, we produce amateur talent and people [who] judge amateur talent.”

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012 — Present), Season 3 (2014)

“I'll tell you the greatest thing that I've ever achieved in my career: I was on the cover of Mad magazine. And of course, I'm saying "Hello Neuman."”

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012 — Present), Season 3 (2014)

“Comedy is more personal than food.”

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012 — Present), Season 3 (2014)

“The comedian studies himself; the actor studies other people. The comedian wants to be himself; the actor wants to be anyone but themselves.”

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012 — Present), Season 3 (2014)