“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.”Emo Philips Opening line E=MO² (1985), A Fine How Ya Do
“I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."”Emo Philips GQ Magazine - 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time (June 1999)
“I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.”Emo Philips As quoted in Psychology Today (July 2006)