Dylan Moran Quotes (120 quotes, page 2)

Dylan Moran: 120 quotes2 likes

Dylan Moran Quotes

“We need to believe something, and you’re not allowed to believe in religion… Well, you can, but people will laugh at you and throw things. ‘Cause it was just sort of decided in the 20th century that religion is basically a formalized panic about death. Look at the Catholic church, the campest organization on the planet with the purple robes, gold bits on the side, jewellery so big if they let it fall it would kill people… What else can it be, but this sort of ritual of panic about death? “DEATH IS COMING! Quick, put on the gold hat!””

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“German food is so bad, even Hitler was a vegetarian. "Would you like some more shtrudleghraf on your shamlw?" How appetising does that sound?”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.”

Dylan Moran

On dining out at a friend's house.
Monster (2004)

“The first half of your life is spent getting over yourself. You think you’re amazing, unique. Young people walk around going, "You know the funny thing is I was just in the kitchen but now I’m here in the bedroom, get a load of me! I just go on and on!" And that’s around the age when you meet somebody else – when you’re totally unbearable. Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world! Going around going, "I can’t believe I met you cause you’re amazing and I’m amazing and we’re surrounded by shitheads, it’s just amazing! Hey, I know this really good bar, let’s go and make it better."”

Dylan Moran

In the second half of your life you realise how like every other hump who drew breath you really are. Except you’re MORE boring.
On young people.
What It Is (2009)

“What is that? What is that supposed to be? It's never really casual, you always have to turn up. It's never casual unless you're both wearing Sherlock Holmes hats or something. You're covered in crisps, one of you's eating an omelette, the other one's doing a crossword, then it's kind of casual.”

Dylan Moran

On the myth of "casual sex".
Like, Totally (2006)

“And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“And they say that after people make love there's a kind of melancholia that descends; la petite mort, you know, the little death. Well, I'm here to tell you, after a romantic night in with yourself, there's a very acute sensation of failed suicide. And I think a lot of that, if you're men is because of the quality of the gear you've got to work with. I mean it's horrible looking. Like a deep sea fish that ate its own arse after about an hour. What's going on down there?! Do something nice, like a kittens head… or something and you could just tickle its chin until it got sick… it would be alright…”

Dylan Moran

On masturbation.
Monster (2004)

“You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.”

Dylan Moran

On driving
Like, Totally (2006)

“You know, it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks: "Daddy, is this organic?" "Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight! We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!"”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“I don’t even see young people on the street anymore. I see youths. You know, how they’re described in police radio reports…. Slumped S-shapes in their hoods, beside their harrowed dogs and a bin full of burning grannies, all texting each other because they’ve given up on speech… plotting something terrible like how to make cider out of blood.”

Dylan Moran

On teenagers.
Monster (2004)

“Children are actually very sophisticated. They sleep in your bed for a reason. The child is born, it takes a look around, and thinks "Well this isn't quite what I'd hoped for. All these people are idiots… I wouldn't've have painted the house like this at all… But I've got to make the best of it. I've got to maximize my resources. So the key thing is to stop these people from having any more children."”

Dylan Moran

On children sleeping in parents' beds.
Like, Totally (2006)

“Young people, should be allowed to go up to one another and say “Hi” and that’s it – they go off and do something wonderfully stupid together…like have a gap year, there’s no other justification for that as far as I can see. What do young people have gap years for? They haven’t done anything yet! Why don’t they have a full year, where they do 9 times as much work as they’ve ever done in their life to prepare them for what the rest of adult hood feels like - which wandering around a desert, with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.”

Dylan Moran

On gap years and life.
What It Is (2009)

“What dya mean theres no fackin chips, I come ere on a plane, you cunt! I've got children ere, what am I spose to do with this fackin tomato fiasco.”

Dylan Moran

The English on holiday.
Monster (2004)

“When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark… for hours… and don't move… I'm locking the door now.'.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There’s the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that’s ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There’s the other one, you know, where you go "Ga…bt…jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga…ba…ah, actually that’s not that bad, that is. It’s quite nice."”

Dylan Moran

On wine.
Monster (2004)

“I don't bother with drugs myself 'cause I'm at that age now; I don't need to. If I want a rush, I just get out of a chair when I don't expect it. Forget to give yourself a couple of days notice before you tie your shoes. Whoosh! What a rush!”

Dylan Moran

On drugs and middle-age.
Monster (2004)

“(after coughing) …and then you cough and die.”

Dylan Moran

Monster.
Other

“Do you know how fat you are, do you? No, you don't, 'CAUSE YOUR FACE IS AN ISLAND TRAPPED IN A SEA OF FLAB! I would stab you to death… but I can't afford to take the two weeks off work!”

Dylan Moran

On relationships with fat people.
Like, Totally (2006)

“It's a totally inhospitable place, you shouldn't be here—the sun—you live about three quarters of a mile from it; I've seen insects walking around with kneepads; you fling yourselves into the sea when you're not actually walking around audibly crackling in the heat. And the sea is full of jellyfish, sharks and other things who hate you, but you persist in living here. So you know, it's a jail you live in. It's lovely, you've done wonderful things with it, but you're all still in denial.”

Dylan Moran

On Australia, at the Melbourne Comedy Fest.
Other

“The other morning, I woke up. I was frightened – I’m always frightened in the morning, I don’t know where I am. But I heard this beautiful reassuring sound, it sounded like my childhood. I thought, what’s that? Is it? Church bells behind the hill? Or, no – it’s an ice cream van, in the rain. It was me, BREATHING!”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“And we all think that we’re very rational and very secular, but we make gods all the time. Everybody went apeshit when Barack Obama got elected. I was delighted. Everybody was thrilled: a sane, rational, intelligent human being in an important office. Great! But his biggest problem is everybody else! Is us! ‘Cause everybody’s in love with him! He stands up there - he’s very convincing and commanding and makes sense - he says: "It’s a difficult time, everyone needs to work together and be realistic about what we need to do..", and all that stuff - and everbody’s looking at him going: "NO! You do it! You’re SUPER JESUS. You’re so handsome when you’re serious. Do you work out?"”

Dylan Moran

On Barack Obama
What It Is (2009)

“This is our Smeg fridge, the whole house is made of Smeg. We're made of Smeg, aren't we, Roy?”

Dylan Moran

"Yes, dear."
On visiting your children's friends' parents.
Monster (2004)

“And I’ve been on the road for too long, I know I have, because I was in the supermarket the other day, and I saw this tiny, heartbreaking can of beans. And it really made me want to cry. I just thought how old or sick or small do you need to be to need those beans? And it was on a high shelf, you know, you’d be climbing the ladder for days just to get at those four beans.”

Dylan Moran

On warning on cigarettes boxes.
What It Is (2009)

“Your nose hair… which is grey… is in my eye.”

Dylan Moran

On how to hurt the ones you really love.
Like, Totally (2006)

“And what is the point of putting a picture of the perfectly ordinary Irish smile on the box of cigarettes? what's that all about? what you supposed to achieve?”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“"What do women want?" As though it's really mysterious. As though it's a big deal. All that women want is what anybody wants. You know, friendship and companionship and respect and a certain amount of leadership with submission and a kind of cooperation at all times and pre-emptive empathy and you know, general telepathy. It's no big deal, is it? […] Traditionally, women have been attracted to uniforms. So it's not difficult to know what women want. Fascists - that's really what they're all after!”

Dylan Moran

On women.
Like, Totally (2006)

“And the thing is woman do have to do all kinds of things themselves. And they lie about it 'cause of all the pressure. Woman go and get their hair made bullet-proof and get the implants. The silly clothes and the stupid shoes everybody wears now. You know these… And they say: "Oh, l enjoy. l did it for me, you know. l like the fact that it takes me 45 minutes to get in or out of a chair." l've always wanted to look like a prawn who's being airlifted. lt's a total lie. That's not the kind of thing a person does for themselves. You know what l did for me? I had an eclair inside an eclair. That's the kind of thing you do for yourself.”

Dylan Moran

Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“They have sheets of ham so large that if you bite out the middle, you've saved yourself the price of a poncho.”

Dylan Moran

On the countryside.
Like, Totally (2006)

“Get into the bath.”

Dylan Moran

NO!
Get out of the bath.
NO!
Do something that's not mindless violence for 5 seconds, will you?
mmmmNO!
On children.
Monster (2004)

“You're a wonderful lover.”

Dylan Moran

Other

“Bagpipes covered in hair”

Dylan Moran

On testicles.
Monster (2004)

“At least I’m not American fat, I’m interesting European delicatessen fat!”

Dylan Moran

“Women have the 'basket of maybes' on their arm, men just have the 'stick of now'.”

Dylan Moran

“Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits. ”

Dylan Moran

“The belief system that if you smiled hard enough into the face of God, you would eventually shit money.”

Dylan Moran

on Blairism.
Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“Some people don’t like Mr Cameron. Mr Cameron and his cube of air. He doesn’t seem to know where to put that thing down. He can’t find a place for it. I think the reason he can’t get rid of it is because it contains the essence of the Big Society, and nobody wants that shit.”

Dylan Moran

on David Cameron
Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“Women are not allowed to be seen to enjoy themselves on lots of ways. They have a test for that in Ireland now, they’ve scientifically perfected that. The Madonna-Whore-Quotient of a woman. You know, if when a woman puts her hand together to pray, and when she’s crying the blood and she levitates and you don’t get a sustained hum in A Flat, she’s a fucking whore!”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“These fingers are from Florence. Yves Saint Laurent himself designed my arse. My nipples are reconstructed from an early unfinished blue print by Coco Chanel, hence their lopsided charm. One of them is on my shoulder. The other five I keep handily between my toes, which, in themselves are a bit embarrassing. But fuck it, it was the 80’s, you had to have suede.”

Dylan Moran

On fashion and cosmetic surgery.
What It Is (2009)

“You know, people come in here with their fucking camera phones - everything’s a camera nowadays; you pick up a piece of fruit, it takes a picture of you. Or the computers which are everywhere which is proof that we like to be watched. That what we’ve replaced God with, technology! We’re fucking afraid to be alone, in a lift, in a taxi cab, we need cameras everywhere recording us unless we realise we’re alone, we might do something scary… like whimper, I don’t know!”

Dylan Moran

On modern technology
What It Is (2009)

“Or Berlusconi, in Italy, right; the envy of the world, Italy, in terms of history, art and culture, 98 different political parties, and they still managed to elect him!”

Dylan Moran

He’s so fucking crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase! So thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles an angel gets gonorrhoea! He's had so many face-lifts, his face has moved to the top of his head, you have to get on a step-ladder to watch him lie!
On Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi.
What It Is (2009)

“You’d be alone in the kitchen and twilight would be dwindling, and you could hear the far off cries of the other children playing nearby. You’d be alone in the kitchen because it was your special treat time, where the jelly would come out just for you, and your mother would appear at your side just as a vision of Laura Ashley print dress, smelling of magnolias and biscuits and put the jelly in front of you, and you would pull your chair in. Then the old fashioned bar of ice cream would come down, the one that had to be cut with a breadknife before the two sides were flanked with wafers. You would lift your little spoon up excitedly and winkle out that first divet of black jelly… AND THEN THE CAGE COMES DOWN! The cage with the Japanese fighting spiders inside, your mother strikes a match off her forearm and tells you to dance in the front room for money… You, you never forget that shit, I mean it never goes away.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“Would you like red or white wine with your piece of vulcanised lizards cock from the moon? How about an extra bread roll, there to dip in your otter vomit pate?”

Dylan Moran

And you're going, "Red or white wine, well, what would you like, darling? I don't know, what would you like?", all to block out the thought that's in your mind which is - "We're gonna die, we're all gonna die, we're all gonna die, right now. The plane is made of metal, the wings are made of metal, we're all eating, and I'm the only non-terrorist aboard, we're all going to die."
On travelling by aeroplane.
Like, Totally (2006)

“Well I’m here, you know? Your house is a medley of disgusting smells, there’s nothing to eat, everybody’s wearing bathrobes, there’s no bar, I can’t fuck anybody. Why am I here?”

Dylan Moran

On young male single friends attending baby shower.
Like, Totally (2006)

“Where are you? - I'm upstairs in our room rubbing your expensive creams on my knees, I just want to see what happens. Don't try to get in, I have blocked the door with huge lumps of Turkish delight and I'm listening to showtunes. Stay away.”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“Perfume is a good example of a product gone all wrong. When I was a child, it was a semi-exotic thing and it was called something stupid like "Fleur de Fleur" and you would give it to your mother or aunty at Christmas and it was advertised by some dopey looking woman in a field of sunflowers and she looked like she'd been hit by a tractor because she was going *flails with arms*. She couldn’t just get over how nice she smelled. Now, because we’re so jaded, we’ve consumed so much, our attention can only be grabbed in a violent way. So it’s always advertised by these constipated, exo-keletal bitches who are sneering at you and it’s called something horrible like "Homicide"! "Dysentery!"”

Dylan Moran

"Urban Dysentery" for boys and girls!

On consumerism.
What It Is (2009)

“Men don’t know anything! Men don’t know when their lives became so entirely awful, when everyone else turned into such a tosser! A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand. And scientists—those frauds!—seize on this, and try to use it as proof of the mysteries of human consciousness and the unknowable nature of the brain, which is rubbish! The brain is the simplest organ in the body. It only has three bits. There’s the front bit, which is the bit you scratch when you come in at half one in the morning, and the person you live with says, “Where the fuck were you?””

Dylan Moran

The middle bit, which tries to come up with the excuse. And the back bit, which plays the last song that was on in the pub.
What It Is (2009)