Chelsea Handler: Likeness

Chelsea Handler is American comedian, actress, author and talk show host. Explore interesting quotes on likeness.
Chelsea Handler: 70   quotes 0   likes

“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her.”

Chelsea Handler

That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands (2005)

Time

“I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Alcohol , Thinking

“Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Girl , Thinking

“I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second… or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.”

Chelsea Handler
Night

“My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”

Chelsea Handler book Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Source: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Drink , Effort , Time , Reading

“I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.”

Chelsea Handler

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Love

“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”

Chelsea Handler

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)

Alcohol , Home , Fashion , Drink

“The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.”

Chelsea Handler

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)

Men , World , Cats , Understanding

“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.”

Chelsea Handler

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)

Men , Guy , Girl