Bill Engvall: Sign

“Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner
Painter: Is that y'all's piano?
Jeff: No, that's our coffee table. It just has buck teeth. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign

Coffee , Housing

“Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son.
Passerby: Y'all flyin' a kite?
Engvall: Nope, fishin' for birds! Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)
Here's Your Sign

Bird , Flying

“On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.
Engvall: When we landed on the runway, we hit a deer with our airplane. You can't make this up. And it killed the deer, it wrecked the engine. We had to evacuate the plane. But the plane was so small it didn't have slides. The flight attendant said "Just step out." So they put us in a van and they're busing us back to the terminal and I'm laughing at this point because this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I got back to the terminal, I called my wife. I said "Baby, you're not gonna believe this. We just hit a deer with our airplane". There was a pause on the other end of the line, followed by…
Gail: Oh my God! Were you on the ground?

Engvall: Nope, Santa was making one last run! Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)
Here's Your Sign

Life , God , Baby

“Engvall and his buddy get off a boat with a big string of bass.
On-looker: You catch all them fish?
Engvall: Nope, talked 'em into givin' up. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)
Here's Your Sign

Fish

“Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey…" (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".”

Bill Engvall

Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)
Here's Your Sign, "Here's <i>MY</i> Sign..."

“Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas and is talking to the flight attendant.
Flight attendant: Is there going to be someone to pick him up when he gets off the plane?
Ron: No, I'm going to pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

“In the store, Bill is buying some pants.
Clerk: You gonna buy these?
Engvall: Nope, gonna steal 'em. Just wanted you to see them before I walked out of the store. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

“Engvall has an elk hung on the wall.
Neighbor: Oh, man. I didn't see that. God dang, did you shoot that thing?
Engvall: Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)
Here's Your Sign

God

“Larry's grandmother has died at age 104
Larry: My grandmother just passed away, 104.
Flower store clerk: Ooh, 104? How'd she die?
Larry: How'd she die? She's 104! She wrecked her Harley up here at Bike Week. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign

Age , Flowers

“Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway.
Friend: Y'all movin?
Engvall: Nope, me and the wife just like to pack all our stuff up once or twice a week, see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

A Decade of Laughs (2004)
Here's Your Sign

Box

“After Bill is exhausted at a baseball fantasy camp, walking crooked.
Woman: Do your legs hurt?
Bill: Nope, just crapped my pants. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign

Hurt

“Engvall's car breaks down on a highway, there's smoke pouring out of the hood, and a motorist stops to help him.
Motorist: Did your car break down?
Engvall: Nope, my car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

Cars , Help

“Jeff's, Larry's, and Ron's Heres Your Sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

“Bill and his brother-in-law had shot a deer and drove it in to get processed. At a rest stop, a woman stops at the truck
Woman: Did y'all shoot this deer?!
Bill's Brother-in-law: No, ma'am, we did not shoot this deer. It was the saddest thing. We were just driving down the road, the deer got into the back of our truck at a stop sign, handed us a note and then shot himself! Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
Here's Your Sign

Law

“His explanation for the "signs"
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign (1996)
Here's Your Sign

Hate , People , Stupidity , Way

“at the Engvalls' home, Travis is about to play on the piano.
Engvall's son, Travis: I'm going to play you a song from Harry Potter.
Engvall: Oh, the movie?
Travis: No, the book. Here's your sign.
When telling the joke on Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004), he stops his son before he says "sign."”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign, "Here's <i>MY</i> Sign..."

Books , Home

“Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.
Neighbor: You pouring concrete?
Bill: No, we're making big margaritas. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Now That's Awesome (2000)
Here's Your Sign

“Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.
Larry: Damn, that rock's old.
Bill: No, that's not its age, dumbass. That's how much it weighs. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
Here's Your Sign

Age , Guy

“Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.
Attendant: Tire go flat?
Engvall: Nope, I was drivin' along and the other three just swelled right up!
Attendant: Well, the heat'll do that.
Engvall: Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign (1996)
Here's Your Sign

Cars