Bill Engvall: Trending quotes

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Bill Engvall: 142   quotes 2   likes

“I joke about it, fellas, but I tell ya, she runs that house. Good Lord. [Several female audience members cheer] Yeah, I know. I know. And if you're a married guy, I ain't telling you nothing you don't already know. But if you're single, and you're thinking about getting married, listen up. You ain't never gonna win the argument. Yeah. If guys were a sports team, we'd be 0-fer.”

Bill Engvall

15° Off Cool (2007)

Guy , Thinking , Sport , Housing

“[having been recognized by a woman in a diner]
She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is…." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."”

Bill Engvall

[looks up] Really God? Really?
Aged and Confused (2009)

God , Home

“You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!"”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign Live! (2004)

Housing

“[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]
I said, "It wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes, "Oh, kinda like Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?"”

Bill Engvall

and I said, "Exactly!"
Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)

“Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner
Painter: Is that y'all's piano?
Jeff: No, that's our coffee table. It just has buck teeth. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign

Coffee , Housing

“As told in the final section of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Christmas CD:
Jeff Foxworthy: Tell 'em the one you did.
Engvall: Aw, why'd you have to bring that up?
Foxworthy: Come on, share that one with the group.
Engvall: Alright. Well, nobody's immune from this, not even me.
Foxworthy: Not even Brainiac here.
Engvall: I'm in the car park at the mall, and there's this guy with a coat hanger inside his window… and I could not stop myself. I said, "You lock your keys in your car?"”

Bill Engvall

Driver: No, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry (dumbass). Here's your sign.
Here's Your Sign, "Here's <i>MY</i> Sign..."

Cars , Guy , Christmas

“Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son.
Passerby: Y'all flyin' a kite?
Engvall: Nope, fishin' for birds! Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)
Here's Your Sign

Bird , Flying

“There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing somebody for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.”

Bill Engvall

Now That's Awesome (2000)

Death , Hunger , Suicide

“[on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass…you just pushed my jackass button.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One For the Road (2006)

“[about an incident in a coffee shop]
I said, "Ma'm, I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes, "You want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy, and they're considered a delicacy." You ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burnt cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.”

Bill Engvall

Now That's Awesome (2000)

Coffee

“[Talking about the difference between the first and twentieth year of marriage] Remember that first year of marriage, you used to argue just so you could make up and have sex? Twenty years later, you're arguing just so they'll sleep in the other room.”

Bill Engvall

Remember that first year of marriage, when you went to the bathroom? Oh, lock the bathroom door, turn on the shower, because God forbid they knew you were going poo. Twenty years later, that bathroom door is wide open...you're saying "Bring the camera!"
Remember that first year of marriage, you'd come home and go "Ugh, what a bad day at work" and your wife would go, "Oh, they shouldn't be treating you so bad. Here, go sit down, I'll get you a beer, you can tell me all about it." Twenty years later, you come home, "Ugh, I had a bad day at work," she's going, "YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT THIS HOUSE TODAY?! While you were at your 'job'?"
Here's Your Sign Live! (2004)

Marriage , Sex , Sleep

“On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.
Engvall: When we landed on the runway, we hit a deer with our airplane. You can't make this up. And it killed the deer, it wrecked the engine. We had to evacuate the plane. But the plane was so small it didn't have slides. The flight attendant said "Just step out." So they put us in a van and they're busing us back to the terminal and I'm laughing at this point because this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I got back to the terminal, I called my wife. I said "Baby, you're not gonna believe this. We just hit a deer with our airplane". There was a pause on the other end of the line, followed by…
Gail: Oh my God! Were you on the ground?

Engvall: Nope, Santa was making one last run! Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)
Here's Your Sign

Life , God , Baby

“Engvall and his buddy get off a boat with a big string of bass.
On-looker: You catch all them fish?
Engvall: Nope, talked 'em into givin' up. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)
Here's Your Sign

Fish

“Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey…" (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".”

Bill Engvall

Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)
Here's Your Sign, "Here's <i>MY</i> Sign..."

“Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas and is talking to the flight attendant.
Flight attendant: Is there going to be someone to pick him up when he gets off the plane?
Ron: No, I'm going to pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

“Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again (2004)

War , Sex

“[playing golf with his friends]”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign (1996)

“(mimicking a big fish talking to a little fish)
"Hey - Perch…"
(points at his eyes, then at the imaginary perch's)
"Look at me…"
(thinks, concedes, then points at the sides of his head where a fish's eyes would be)
"Look at me… Both eyes…" - oh, I've thought it all through - "if you ever see a worm… in the shape of a J… swim away. That's how we lost your Uncle Pike."”

Bill Engvall

15° Off Cool (2007)

Thinking , Fish

“We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll…" And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!"”

Bill Engvall

Aged and Confused (2009)

God , Food , Daughters

“(Talking about what he wants at his funeral)”

Bill Engvall

15° Off Cool (2007)