Artemus Ward Quotes

“Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrer [sic] money to do it with.”

“He is dreadfully married. "He's the most married man I ever saw in my life."”

“It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us into trouble, it's the things we do know that just ain't so.”

“When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money.”

“Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?”

“I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.”

“…their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to.”

“They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it.”

“The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste.”

“N. B. This is rote sarcastikul.”

“The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.”

“The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over.”

“The fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us.”

“Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?”

“The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his.”

“My pollertics, like my religion, being of an exceedin' accommodatin' character.”

“Draw your salary before spending it.”

“I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.”

“I prefer temperance hotels - although they sell worse kinds of liquor than any other kind of hotels.”

“Why care for grammar as long as we are good?”

“I am happiest when I am idle. I could live for months without performing any kind of labor, and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous more months.”

“I now bid you a welcome adoo.”