“What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course”

“"They'll bloody kill you." "Maybe they'll turn and run. "God save Ireland, and why would they do that?" "Because God wears a green jacket, of course."”

“I told my wife, I said, "You get there at 5:30 you can fly with me but let me tell you something Sugar Tits, at 5:31 I am wheels up and I am fucking gone!" ...I said that. Not very loud, but I said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No! Do I leave? ...No! 6:01 gets there. Is she there? No. Do I leave? No. Why? Because this dick won't suck itself, that's why.”

“The last time I'd seen the Minotaur, he'd been wearing nothing but his tighty whities. I don't know why. Maybe he'd been shaken out of bed to chase me.”

“I don't wear anything in bed. But I'm not ready for a nude scene quite yet.”

“Why do dachshunds wear their ears inside out?”

“Getting over what you did to me is not why I get out of bed anymore.”

“Be careful what you wear to bed, because you never know where you might wake up.”

“On homosexuals- I'm still none the wiser as to why they do that - Video Podcast|Video Podcast 5”

“Why are people born? Why do they die? Why do they want to spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?”