“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?”

“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!"”

“I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!"”

“You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?”

“Why give you answers you wont believe?
Well, answers I don't believe would be a step forward.”

“When you were called, did you answer or did you not? Perhaps softly and in a whisper?”

“Why should you call me to account for eating decently? If I battened on the scorched corpses of animals, you might well ask me why I did that. Why should I be filthy and inhuman? Why should I be an accomplice in the wholesale horror and degradation of the slaughter-house?”

“Some day I'm gonna call me up on the phone, so when I answer, I can tell myself to shut up.”

“People still, old people, insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number, why are you doing that? What a complete waste of time. [imitating old person] "020767944!" [exasperated person on other end] "I know that, I've just dialled it! It's the last thing I did on earth was dial those numbers. Do you open the front door and say your address? It's the same principle."”

“If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make who would you call and what would you say?
And why are you waiting?”