„An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.“

— Winston S. Churchill

Last update Feb. 17, 2022.

Winston S. Churchill602

Prime Minister of the United Kingdom 1874 - 1965

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„Lady Nancy Astor: If I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee.
Churchill: If I were your husband I'd drink it.“

— Winston S. Churchill Prime Minister of the United Kingdom 1874 - 1965

Dates to 1899, American humor origin, originally featuring a woman upset by a man's cigar smoking. Cigar often removed in later versions, coffee added in 1900. Incorrectly attributed in Consuelo Vanderbilt Balsan, Glitter and Gold (1952).
See various early citations and references to refutations at “If you were my husband, I’d poison your coffee” (Nancy Astor to Churchill?) http://www.barrypopik.com/index.php/new_york_city/entry/if_you_were_my_husband_id_poison_your_coffee_nancy_astor_to_churchill, Barry Popik, The Big Apple,' February 09, 2009
Early examples include 19 November 1899, Gazette-Telegraph (CO), "Tales of the Town," p. 7, and early attributions are to American humorists Marshall P. Wilder and De Wolf Hopper.
Churchill by Himself: The Definitive Collection of Quotations, by Richard Langworth, PublicAffairs, 2008, p. 578.
The Yale Book of Quotations, edited by Fred R. Shapiro, New Haven, CT, Yale University Press, 2006, p. 155.
George Thayer, The Washington Post (April 27, 1971), p. B6.
Misattributed
Variant: Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your morning coffee.

Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Coffee, Drink

„I shall not tell your husband and you shall not tell my wife."
Tell them what?"
That you and I were outwitted by a ropma."
That would be shamful."
Girl, we could never live it down.“

— Donita K. Paul American writer 1950

Source: DragonFire

Girl

„Do not choose for your wife any woman you would not choose for a friend if she were a man.“

— Joseph Joubert French moralist and essayist 1754 - 1824

„Would you care for something to drink?”
“Is it poisoned?”
“It’s Saturday,” I said. “We only serve poison during the week.“

— Ilona Andrews American husband-and-wife novelist duo

Source: Magic Rises

Drink

„The good doctor put a spoon of tea into my honey." "You're drinking tea a honey badger made," Jim said. "What did you expect?“

— Ilona Andrews American husband-and-wife novelist duo

Source: Magic Bleeds

Drink, Tea

„My guru said you are too old. I thought I was young -- I was 26. And he said you can't and I said I can. I'll show you. He said it will take many sacrifices. And I said I'll give up anything you want. I didn't realise I would have to give up my family for that. I realise now if I had not gone for three months to Orissa my husband would not have run off with Parveen Babi. So it was really a giving up. My children had to go to boarding school after that -- there was no family. I had to give up my lifestyle, my friends, my smoking, my drinking.“

— Protima Bedi Indian model and dancer 1948 - 1998

On her taking up Odissi dance in Orissa and the resultant separation from her husband, quoted in "I have been a hippie all my life".

Children, School, Family, Drink

„No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"“

— Eddie Izzard British stand-up comedian, actor and writer 1962

Sexie (2003)

People, Tea

„I have owed you this letter for a very long time — but my fingers have avoided the pencil as though it were an old and poisoned tool.“

— John Steinbeck American writer 1902 - 1968

Letter to his literary agent, found on his desk after his death in 1968
Writers at Work (1977)

Time

„I could drink a case of you, darlin'… and I would still be on my feet, yes I would still be on my feet…“

— Joni Mitchell Canadian musician 1943

Drink

„Merricat, said Connie, would you like a cup of tea?
Oh no, said Merricat, you’ll poison me.
Merricat, said Connie, would you like to go to sleep?
Down in the boneyard ten feet deep!“

— Shirley Jackson, book We Have Always Lived in the Castle

Source: We Have Always Lived in the Castle

Sleep, Tea

„I don't need my head examined, but where were you when I married my second husband. Sheesh.“

— Lisa Scottoline American writer 1955

Source: Every Fifteen Minutes

„No. But it was indicated by other people that I should go there—like my wife, my friends, the woman from Alcoholics Anonymous who came around. My wife, Dottie, was the prime mover. It would have been a disappointment to her if I'd rejected her suggestion. I stayed until they were done with me. I don't know if it 'worked.“

— Robert Mitchum American film actor, author, composer and singer 1917 - 1997

I don't understand that.
When asked if he was "feeling batter" following his previous year's stay at the Betty Ford Center, as quoted in "Roberto Mitchum: After all these years, still one of a kind" by Victor Davis, in The Chicago Tribune (November 23, 1984)

People, Alcohol, Disappointment, Understanding

„I am an inveterate homemaker, it is at once my pleasure, my recreation, and my handicap. Were I a man, my books would have been written in leisure, protected by a wife and a secretary and various household officials. As it is, being a woman, my work has had to be done between bouts of homemaking.“

— Pearl S. Buck American writer 1892 - 1973

Source: My Several Worlds (1954), p. 239

Pleasure, Books

„And you, my Sassenach? What were you born for? To be lady of a manor, or to sleep in the fields like a gypsy? To be a healer, or a don's wife, or an outlaw's lady?"

"I was born for you," I said simply, and held out my arms to him.“

— Diana Gabaldon, book Outlander

Source: Outlander

Sleep

„When I was teenager, I wanted to be medical doctor. I would write "Dr" into my name - "Dr Sukanto". After I got married, my wife found out and asked me, "Why did you put a 'Dr' before your name?" I said this was my dream but I couldn't continue my education because the school closed and I was not qualified to go to any school.“

— Sukanto Tanoto Indonesian businessman 1949

Keynote speech, Wharton Global Modular Course, May 25, 2015. http://www.inside-rge.com/Sukanto-Tanoto-Entrepreneur-Journey-1
2015

Education, School, Dreams

„Nesretten Hoca's Wife: In our society, they treat us as if women have no names of their own—you are always so-and-so's wife. I mentioned this to my husband once—and, believe me, I didn't do it to blame or scold anyone. He was deeply touched and saddened. He said to me: "You are right, my dear wife. From now on, whenever they ask me what my name is, I'll say 'I'm the husband of the wife of Nasrettin Hoca.'“

— Nasreddin philosopher, Sufi and wise man from Turkey, remembered for his funny stories and anecdotes 1208 - 1284

"
Güngör Dilmen, I, Anatolia (1984), Act II; tr. Talât Sait Halman (1991)

Women

„“The hell with the human race!” said Beatrice.
“You’re a member of it, you know,” said Rumfoord.
“Then I’d like to put in for a transfer to the chimpanzees!” said Beatrice. “No chimpanzee husband would stand by while his wife lost all her coconuts.”“

— Kurt Vonnegut, book The Sirens of Titan

Source: The Sirens of Titan (1959), Chapter 2 “Cheers in the Wirehouse” (p. 52)

Hell

„The Prophet said, ‘But for the Israelites, meat would not decay, and if it were not for Eve, wives would never betray their husbands.“

— Muhammad Arabian religious leader and the founder of Islam 570 - 632

[4, 55, 547] (Israelites refer to the 12 tribes of Exodus. Not to be confused with modern people of Israel.)
Sunni Hadith

„"I can't help it," I said. "My soul knows my meat is doing bad things, and is embarrassed. But my meat just keeps right on doing bad, dumb things."
"You and your what?" he said.
"My soul and my meat," I said.
"They're separate?" he said.
"I sure hope they are," I said. I laughed. "I would hate to be responsible for what my meat does."“

— Kurt Vonnegut, book Bluebeard

Source: Bluebeard (1987), p. 246

Hate, Hope, Soul, Help

„I think we were better as friends than husband and wife.“

— Nastassja Kinski German actress 1961

On her relationship with Ibrahim Moussa, as quoted in Cameron Docherty, Interview: Nastassja Kinski - Still a daddy's girl, The Independent, September 26, 1997

Thinking

„An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.“

Winston S. Churchill602

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